The Memoirs

I can't believe they haven't told me a goddamned thing about this fucking name change!! Somewhere along the line the cursing in his head had changed to English, and he was stomping down the hall, feet thudding hard on the stone floors as he shoved past tapestries and Enrique scurrying away as he pounded on the door to his father's room. "DAD!!! OPEN THIS GODDAMNED DOOR RIGHT NOW!"

"The boy needs a muzzle." Dominic muttered, and quietly opened the bedroom door. The child was screaming like there was no tomorrow and Dominic just turned away, lifting his suit jacket and setting it in the closet.

They'd come up only a short while ago, finally, to crawl under the sheets. Work suspended for the day, for once, pajamas laid out, and a warm bath running for them with bubbles and scented oils. They needed a little bit of luxury after the day they'd had, and Dominic had even changed the sheets, when Lionel had gone for a glass of water, to the cozy cotton ones that made you slide like silk between them.

And he was coming out again, unbuttoning his shirt warily, as he looked at the furious lad in their doorway. "What is it you need?"

Lex slammed the door open the rest of the way, and shoved past Dominic to stand in the middle of the room. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me before now that you'd changed your goddamned name?" he snarled. "Once again, I am the last to fucking know and I find it out with the rest of the world on national TV!!!"

"Your father will be back up in a moment. He went for some Motrin, it is, I believe. Why don't you have a seat?" Dominic asked dully, as he pulled the suit shirt out of his pants and let it fall into the hamper right inside of the closet door, rubbing his belly through his under-shirt.

"I don't give a fuck what Dad is doing right now!" Lex advanced angrily. "I want to know why the hell you didn't see fit to tell me yourself, especially knowing what all I've done for you!!"

"I didn't think to tell you, Lex." Calm. Quiet. "I simply forgot. It happened when your father was in the hospital with his kidney stone. I'm sorry I didn't come tell you."

"It's NOT like you didn't have the time to do it!" Lex ranted. "But no!! Couldn't spare five fucking minutes to tell me! Why the hell do I bother, Dominic? If you've got so fucking little respect for me, why do I fucking bother to try and be a family with you and dad, huh?" He shoved the squat drink glass off the dresser and listened to it shatter in satisfaction.

He watched each shard of glass shatter in a million pieces and his eyes followed each piece without even seeing it, gazing as the water soaked into the carpet quietly as Lex ranted in front of him.

He was exactly two and a half seconds from losing it. He'd stayed strong for Lionel, God knew he had, and his throat bobbed as it burned, eyes flickering back up. "I respect you. More than you know. We... have tried to protect you, to… take care of you. I'm sorry, that it slipped my mind."

"What, Dominic?" Lex turned and glared at his stepfather. "What the fuck was so damned important that you couldn't tell me this!"

"Moving the business here, your fathers illness, Diane Sawyer, the media, our--..." He couldn't even say it, and his voice tightened, hard, gruffly. Anger, the better way to go about this. "Our personal affairs. We didn't intend to keep it a secret from you, and that you'd think we don't love you, that we'd intentionally hurt you, angers me, after all we have done for you."

"Your personal affairs!" Lex mocked. "Oh, yes, can't forget how fucking important your personal affairs are! Who gets to top this time, you or Dad?"

Instead of the hurt that raged inside, his face deadened. "Your father will be here in a moment. Sit, and wait for him."

"Yes, sir," Lex snarled, infusing it with as much sarcasm as he could. "Wouldn't want to miss Daddy Dearest."

"No, you wouldn't." Was all Dominic said, quietly, as he unbuckled his belt and tugged it from the loops, going back into the closet. The hanging belts were right by the shoes, and he hung it up, so mixed up with Lionel's now it was hopeless to tell them apart. He tugged off his pants and socks, replacing it with long pajama bottoms until Lionel returned and they could shower and put on the cozy, clean bed clothes waiting for them. He walked back into the bedroom, pushing his feet into his slippers, and slid his little suit cuffs into the velvet-lined cigar box atop the dresser, rubbing a wide shoulder slightly as he picked up the remote and flipped it to CNN.

Lionel had discarded the Motrin bottle when he'd gone to his desk in the west wing and found a bottle of Valium from a year ago that hadn't yet expired. He'd pocketed that instead and picked up another bottle of scotch on the way up as well as a liter bottle of Ty-Nant that had been chilling in the refrigerator in the kitchen.

Didn't even notice his son raising hell in his bedroom until he came in the doorway. "Shut up, Lex."

Dominic turned at that, gazing at his lover kindly as he set the remote on the side of the bed, after flipping it to Sleepless and Seattle and muting it, before lifting his lovers burden from his arms and setting the bottles on the dresser. Twin glasses waited, and he slipped into the study for a moment to get a third before filling all three with scotch, the good kind, and handed glasses to both husband and son without even bothering to speak a word.

"All right, Dad," Lex said, in the process of turning around. "What the fuck is the problem now? Why couldn't you be both--"

Lex's words drained out of him in mid-rant as he got turned around to take a look at his father. The first thing he noticed was the rumpled suit, the hair that was less than neatly kept, then as he looked up, the red-rimmed eyes.

Red?

"Dad?"

"Shut up, Lex. Two words. Comprehend them. Shut up."

"They're quite simple words, actually." Dominic said it, almost conversationally, though they lacked the bite of sarcasm. "Shut your mouth and let it be shut, for a good long while." He tossed back his own glass of scotch without speaking a word, draining it and pouring himself another. He didn't want to get drunk, for once, because the bite of alcohol took off his edge, took off the anger, and he wanted the anger. He wanted to stew in the anger, to thrive in it, because it was all he had.

"Yes, they are. Your genius should be able to understand them quite easily."

"What the fuck?" Lex blinked. "What is going on?"

Dominic slid his fingers through his lovers arm and squeezed, gently, once, before he spoke. His voice lacked the usual things that made him... himself, and it sounded dull, and lifeless, even to himself. "Our surrogate mother, a Ms. Melissa Rogers, has taken to flight. She's headed to Canada, though by the time they catch her, our baby girl will be dead." He tossed back the second glass, and in that moment decided, yes. Maybe getting drunk would be a good thing. "Cheers, to the absolutely fucking phenomenal luck we have."

Lex blinked. "What?" He looked over to Lionel. "What?"

When Lionel saw that Lex wasn't going to drink the drink that Dominic had given him, he reached for it and set it on his knee as he uncapped the pill bottle. "You're not an idiot, Lex. Don't make him repeat, and don't look at me. I don't intend to repeat it either. Suffice it to say, the Luthor Curse has struck again." He put the two capsules in his mouth, and reached for the drink glass to wash them down.

The pain swamped Dominic's eyes now as he sat next to his lover, staying so strong as he gently stroked his lovers hair and tucked him close to his body, closing his eyes quietly for a moment. He didn't want to speak, didn't want to say anything, just sit there and be with his lover. But his life could never work that way, and a moment later, with a soft kiss to a bearded cheek, Dominic rose to take the water off in the bathroom before it overflowed.

Lex jerked the bottle out of Lionel's hand, and as soon as he saw what his father was popping, he jerked the glass out of his father's hand. "What the fuck are you trying to do, kill yourself? You take those and wash it down with that and you'll be well on the way to it!" He threw the bottle at Dominic. "Pay fucking attention! Jesus!" He picked up the bottle of water and shoved it at his dad. "Now... Christ. What the hell? She just *left?*"

The breaking point came so close within his grasp as the bottle was thrown at him, and all he wanted to do was crawl into some corner and weep the bitter tears waiting for him to. But he didn't. He just felt numb, more and more numb, and with each passing the moment it became deeper, wider spread, that scared him so much. He caught the bottle before it fell and its contents flew everywhere, and didn't speak as he set it down on the bedside table.

He wanted his step son out.

Lionel sighed, and swallowed the pills with a gulp of water. "Yes, Lex. She just left. The clinic doesn't know where. The only other mother they have is contracted to someone else for implantation and they won't break it for us. By the time they have another candidate who is far enough along in the fertility cycle, the embryo will be dead. We are, in the most common of vernaculars... fucked."

"There isn't anything anyone can do to help us." Dominic answered, quietly, from beside the bathroom door. "Nothing. There's not a thing anyone can do." He wondered, to himself, if maybe it was something to do with him being gay. Maybe God had sought not to give them children but this man grown before them, and it broke Dominic's heart. As much as he'd told his lover he could live without having children, he wanted. As deeply as he ever had. And to have this chance put in his face, then ripped away, made him want to strangle himself.

Clark. Now. Meet me outside Dad's room. He sighed. "I'm not just anyone, Dominic. I'm going to find a way."

Dominic raised his glass in toast and opened the dresser drawer, to find the pack of cigarettes he kept hidden beneath an old sweater of his. He took it, a lighter, and his scotch out onto the terrace, and closed the doors behind him.

"What's--...up." Clark stared at Dominic's back as the man went out onto the stoop, then to Lionel... the shambles of the room, the liquor, and his mind computed big uht-oh's as he swallowed and stared. "Is everyone okay?

"No, they're--"

Lex's words were cut off as Lionel got up, followed suit, and instead of a cigarette lit one of the expensive cigars that he'd bought in Metropolis, after his and Dominic's fight. He ignored the two boys in the room.

"--they're not okay, Clark." Lex sighed. "Dad? If I go with Clark and work on finding a way out of this, will you be all right?"

Bitter bark of laughter. "Of course I'll be all right. I'm a Luthor."

Dominic was sitting on the cold tile, already smoking, and he moved over for his lover, setting the scotch bottle between them as he looked out from between the marble bars at the forest.

Clark just... well, he just sort of blinked, because he had no idea what the hell was going on, but the two pillars in his life were breaking down and Lex looked lost, and oh, Crap.

Lionel didn't say a word as he sat down, stubbed out his cigar, picked up one of Dominic's cigarettes instead, lit it, and sucked down the smoke.

"The surrogate mother left town," Lex said softly. "Nobody can find her in time."

"Oh, shit." Was all Clark said, quietly, softly, as he looked out at the two men quietly, then at his lover, and winced, physically, as he grasped his arm and led him out of the room. "Oh. Oh, shit. ...I mentioned that already." A hard swallow, and a thread of panic, because they *couldn't* lose their baby too, they *couldn't*. "How long, until the baby..." He choked on the next swallow. "The baby dies?"

Lex looked down at his watch. "About... twenty eight hours now," he said softly.

"In… in me? Can you… in me?" He asked it, quietly, eyes searching his lovers as he asked it. Anything. Anything to save this child, anything in the world.

Lex shook his head. "Clark, no. I don't know enough about your body, but you carried Mar to term in what, two days? There's no way your body could support a human baby for nine months."

"Three and a half days." Clark murmured, but his eyebrows fell and he looked down at the ground for a moment. The disappointment, the anger, the frustration, the grief, was still too fresh, too new, and he squeezed his lovers hand as they began to walk again. "What else, Lex? What else can we do?"

"I don't know. I'm tempted to call everybody we know and wake them up in the middle of the night. Sadly, most of them? Are either already pregnant or not able to have children." He squeezed his lover's hand tightly as they walked. "Your mother is the only person I'd trust, really, to do it, and that's not possible. Neither is that woman of Dominic's... the redhead."

"We gotta make a list." Clark murmured, and pulled Lex into the library, where work things were still spread out. Financial papers, calculators, and a pair of warm slippers that had to be Dominic's. He snagged a pad of paper from the desk where it was all spread and pulled his lover into one of the couches beside it, as somewhere in the house, the hour chimed eleven. "You write. Your handwriting is better."

Lex accepted the pen and pad and curled up into the corner, turning off the feeling part of his brain as he went into work mode. "All right. All the women we know." As he said each name out loud, he added it to the list. "Martha Kent. Dominic's redhead. Shayla Senatori. Rosalyn Senatori. Lindy Senatori. Megan Senatori."

"Whitney's mom. Pete's mom. Chloe. Ms. Bird. Maria. Ms. Toni." Clark answered, still thinking as he spoke. "Mom, of course."

Lex scribbled down the other names too, tapping the pad with the click of his pen. "Dominic's assistant--Carolyn."

"Yeah. Mr. Siegel's new girlfriend, Emily." Clark added, as he lay his head down on his lovers thigh for a moment, to think. The blood he could hear rushing through his aushna' was oddly comforting, and he listened to it silently as he thought. "Maybe one of Ms. Rubenstein's granddaughters."

Lex nodded. "Okay. I think that's everyone, or at least, enough to start with. Who do we know that is already pregnant?"

"Mom." Clark nodded, as he looked up. "Dominic's lady friend. Megan." He thought for a moment, to make sure he hadn't forgotten anyone. "No, that's it."

Lex marked those three names off the list. "All right. Now, who's too old? Ms. Bird. Ms. Fordman, Rosalyn."

"Maria, too, I think. Pete's mom." Clark answered, his brow furrowing as he got a sick, painful twist in his tummy. "Who can't have kids? Lindy. Ms. Toni."

Lex marked those names off too, plus the ones Clark named. "That leaves, Emily Ross, Shayla... and Chloe." His brow furrowed.

"Shay you can cross off. No way on God's greenest earth would Dominic ever go for that."

Lex shook his head. "We can't, Clark. She may be... our only hope."

The thought of teenie tiny little Shayla swollen with child creeped him out. He couldn't help it. She was so small, and such a child herself, and he rubbed the heebie jeebies from his arms as he shuddered.

Lex slid his hand over and squeezed Clark's. "I know. But you know she'd help, if she could."

"I know. But still." He closed his eyes, and rubbed the heels of his palms into them. "We need to get in touch with… Emily, you said? First. First Emily, and then... Shay and Chloe. But... minors, Lex. I mean, really minor."

"Yeah, I know. Emily's the only one who's even remotely legal. And despite the fact Shayla's about to turn eighteen, she's about as young as Shane."

"Are you joking? Samson leaps past her in the maturity department. I love her, to death, but the girl..." Clark just shook his head. "And Chloe? It'd sever whatever she had with her dad."

Lex had to snort at the Samson comment. "I see your point, but still, Clark, we have to explore every option." He threw the pad down at the mention of Chloe. "I know that, too, and they're not on the best of terms as it is, and she won't talk about it."

"Chloe's dad has always been kind of a prick, but he loves her." Clark lay his cheek better on his lovers thigh at that, rolling onto his side as he reached for his hand. "She's his family."

Lex gave his hand quickly. "I know, but Gabe's... he's always been the best man I've ever known to work with, and he actually deserves the manager position more than I do."

Clark looked up, at that. His lover never made light comments such as that unless he'd given it a great deal of thought, and his head tipped as he looked at him. "Are you thinking about letting him run the plant, Lex?"

"I've been thinking about it ever since the explosion." Lex sighed. "Clark... I hate the factory. I'd much rather work from the office here, with an eye towards building LexCorp into something respectable."

"I know you do." Clark said it, quietly, as he stroked his lovers knee tenderly. "I don't want you to give up something you love, just because you feel you have to. If you don't like the plant, quit it. But keep LexCorp, and let it grow, Lex."

"That's not the only thing I have to think about, Clark. I know you don't like it when I make my plans years in advance, but... you're going to be graduating from high school next year. You're going to be thinking about college, and I can't be pinned down to the factory. But I also can't shove someone into my spot at the last minute, no matter how qualified they are."

"When are you thinking about hiring him?" Clark asked softly, rubbing his lovers leg tenderly.

"Soon. Probably this fall, because he's going to need this summer to work with Chloe, and see if he can't repair things. But this fall, when she goes back to school with you all? I'm going to offer it to him then. Hopefully by the time you graduate, I'll have nothing at all to do with the running of the factory."

"What do you want to do with the business, Kenep? What do you want from LuthorCorp?" He looked up at his lover. "I share, but you never do. Tell me. I want to know... I want to be a part of your life, like that."

Lex shrugged. "I can't say I've never thought of it, but I've never really considered. I want to grow LexCorp into something to rival LuthorCorp; I'd like to eventually take over my father's company, or at least absorb it. Though since we're already merged, I may leave it at that, and continue to work in the research division of Cadmus, and give control of the plant over to Dad."

"You see yourself doing this in twenty years, Lex?" Clark asked it, quietly, as he rolled over onto his back and looked at the ceiling, as his mind, the parts not thinking and talking to his lover, whirred for a possible solution to their current problem.

"In twenty years, Clark, I hope to be in the White House."

"Heey. Will that make me the first lady, or Monica Lewinksy, giving you a blow under the desk? Or! Ooo! Can we have matching walkie-talkie ear pieces, like the CIA?" Clark asked it with a hint of giddy joy, grinning like an idiot up at him. "Don't ask me to wear those frumpy business suits, cause I can tell you the answer right now."

"That will make you the first... gentleman, actually."

"Really?" He looked up. "Oh man. So now I'll have a reason to write my memoirs. The Life of a Seven Foot Tall, Two-Stomached Alien Who Loved His President."

"I'd buy that book in a heartbeat." Lex sighed. "Fuck."

"I take your fuck and raise you a "mother"."

"There really is no way out."

"Chloe. Shayla. Emily."

"You said yourself Shayla can't do it. Chloe can't either, because Gabe will never allow it, we both know that. Emily's our only hope, but... I don't have a good feeling."

"Neither do I." A moment... two. "See if we can't get it in me, Lex. I can carry babies, I'm equipped. I don't know what the difference between nine months and three days is."

"About three hundred days."

"More about two hundred and seventy, Lex." He looked up at his lover. "Just...see if I can. I'd be willing to do it, I wouldn't mind it."

"We'll go ask your father; he'd be the only one to know."

"Yeah, he would." Clark's eyebrows furrowed, deeply, as he squeezed his lovers hand tightly. "I don't want their chance to be ruined before it was even begun, Lex. I don't want them to... not have this, because of fate. We'll fight fate."

"I don't either, Clark. I was so... I was so angry at Dad and Dom. But then... I really saw Dad. Saw how... crushed, he was. Clark... my father's an old man. And I never knew it before. He looked so tired. Like he'd given up on everything that meant anything to him. I've never seen him look like that, at least, not that I can remember."

Clark's eyebrows fell and furrowed, deeply, his jaw locking and grinding as his lover spoke. More cemented than ever, to ask his father. If he could carry this child for Lionel and Dominic, even if it meant staying at home and being unable to move, he'd do it. "Your dad is a good man, Lex." He whispered, softly.

"No, Clark," Lex said softly, as though he'd just come to this realization--which wasn't that far from the truth. "My dad... is just a man."

"Yeah, he is." Clark answered, quietly. "Flesh and bone and blood, baby, with a heart that breaks." He looked up at his lover, then.

"I'm going to find a way to make this happen for them, Clark," he said softly. "Even if I have to go Frankenstein and build an artificial womb to let her grow in. I'm not going to let this happen. Not to Dad--not again." Lex tightened his grip on Clark's hand. "Let's go; we've got a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it in."

"I'll do what I can, aushna'." Clark whispered, and he kissed his lover once as they rose to their feet. "I'll get the number on this Emily from your ledger, you get in contact with the surrogate agency and see if they've found her. I'll talk to my father in the meantime, beloved."

"All right. I'll come upstairs and talk with you and your father as soon as I've called the agency and wake a few people over there up." A ghost of a grin slid across his face. "Nobody's going to sleep until we get this taken care of. For Dad's sake, and Dom's."

"Who needs sleep at a time like this, anyway?" His own smile skated across his face as Clark pecked a kiss to his aushna's face and skid out of the room.

Lex stared at the phone, then picked it up and went through his desk until he found the name and phone number of the head of the agency. Then he called and got the home phone number of the woman owning the clinic, and woke her up. Nobody was going to stand in the way this time.

- = - = -

Dominic hadn't smoked on the terrace... any terrace, for a long, long time. He smoked when the occasion called for it, because it calmed his mind. He wasn't addicted to it, as many people were, simply because he couldn't get addicted to it. Senatori's were known for having addictive natures, but not when it came to food or drink.

But here he was, nonetheless, smoking with his lover, drinking scotch which really should have been whisky, and watched the stars. His butt was numb from the cold tile but he didn't really mind, just watching the sky and the trees... the landscape, with an almost quiet longing.

Lionel drew in deep breaths of the harsh cigarette smoke. He looked at the slender white and brown cylinder in his fingers as he blew out another cloud of smoke, and rolled it lightly in his fingertips rustling but not bruising the tobacco. Twenty, maybe thirty years since he'd picked up a cigarette. The taste was just as harsh and grating as he remembered, though the colors were different.

Lex was right; he definitely should not have been swilling down scotch like it was water with a couple of Valium in his system, but he had, at the moment, a rather pleasant, all-over-numb feeling that was... relieving, in a way, because all he had to do was concentrate on enjoying his...

Lionel looked down at the butts between his feet.

Fifth cigarette.

Dominic turned, a little, but only to take a sip from the glass once before laying back on the tile. He pillowed his head on his arm, looking up at the sky as he took a drag from the cigarette, blowing it out softly and laying his hand on his belly, as he watched the stars twinkle. Clear, lovely night, the moon shining and full, and so close he could almost touch it.

Spring would be here sooner than they thought.

It was Valentines day.

And he'd forgotten.

He looked up at his lover, the tears building in his eyes as he watched him. Their first Valentines day together, in ruin.

"I'm sorry."

Lionel blinked. "Sorry?" The date hadn't even occurred to him, so wrapped up in everything he'd been. "Don't be sorry, Dominic. It's my fault; you married a Luthor, and see where it brought you?" He sighed. "Someone really should warn Clark."

"Don't… speak, that way." Dominic answered, quietly. "I'm not sorry. I still have you... there's nothing to be sorry for, about that."

Lionel snorted rudely. "I don't know why you'd want me, Dominic. Everything we've done together has turned to ashes in one way or another; Aurora was just the crowning glory of the tower of events."

And when his lover said it, it brought a crushing wave of sadness down over his heart that he could barely stand. "No, Lionel. Everything we've done together hasn't turned to ashes, as you say. Everything we do isn't bad, everything we do isn't... isn't ruined. We have worked side by side for many years, done things for many years, and been together with one another for just as long. How can you say that?"

"Because, Dominic, I'd like you to take a good look at things." He flicked the ash off his cigarette, finished it off as he took a last drag, then ground it out under his heel. "The company that we've worked together so long to build is teetering. We both know it. We had to fire nearly the entire board of directors, we had to merge with Wayne Enterprises merely to keep ourselves afloat, and we were forced out of home in Metropolis as though we were nothing but common roustabouts. Our personal life has become a public drama, thanks to Diane Sawyer, and even as we speak, the child we both wanted desperately is dying in Lex's laboratory."

Dominic sat up at that and rubbed his hands over his face, through his hair, fisting for only a moment before stroking through for a long moment. He didn't know what else to say, how else to assure him, to keep him hoping. But there was nothing he could say, when he didn't hope himself. He just stayed silent, crossing his legs Indian style and resting each elbow on his legs as he set his head in his hands and gazed at his lap.

"As I thought," Lionel said softly, reaching for the pack and taking another cigarette from it. "I'll send Enrique out for another carton; we've nearly finished the pack."

"Don't have to. I have more." The one in his hand had nearly burned out, and he put it out before taking another one, though he didn't trust his fingers not to shake when he lit the lighter, so he just...set it back down and didn't say a word, as he rubbed his fingers through his hair. "Just… because things aren't going well doesn't mean we're failing. It doesn't mean we're failures."

Lionel picked up the lighter and flicked it, protecting the flame in the cup of his other hand as he held it out to his lover.

He shook his head and rose to his feet, padding back into the bedroom. He returned, only a moment later, with a bottle of whisky he'd been saving in the cabinet beneath the television. Twin shot glasses plunked down on the tile, and he finished tugging on a sweater over his head as he sat down and poured them eat a shot.

Lionel flicked the lighter closed, and disregarded the shot glass. Instead he picked the bottle up by the neck and drank, swallowing deeply twice before putting the bottle back down on the ground between them.

"I wake up… sometimes, in the middle of the night." Dominic said quietly, as he watched his lover. "I feel... feel like I want to cry, or die, or both, because I have you in my life, and I waited so long." He looked down at the glass by his hand, studying it as he spoke. "I think of how long it took to find you, to find us, and the sacrifice and pain we've both gone through." He looked back up. "We are a unit. A team. And I refuse to see that wilt away, because of our sadness. I refuse for anyone... not Diane fucking Sawyer, not Lex, not the business, not anything, to come between us. Don't forget what we've made, what we've created between us. Draw strength from our love, and don't... fall into a pit of self loathing and sadness. We're stronger than that. We've been through worse."

"Yes, we have. We've been through much worse. However, Dominic, I'd like to point out to you, that you haven't lost a child before. I have. I know the pitfalls, I know the stages of mourning, and believe me, it's all bullshit." He held up the bottle of whiskey. "This?" He held up the pack of cigarettes. "This?" And he pulled out the bottle of Valium. "This. These three things right here? They're going to be the best fucking therapy in the world. Because, Dominic, I am tired. I am tired of fighting the world for acceptance. I am tired of fighting against the cosmos for whatever shred of happiness they want to dribble out to me. But most of all, I am just tired. Physically, emotionally, psychologically tired."

The dam cracked. He felt it, in his heart, an almost physical noise that had him looking down at his lap. He didn't know what it felt like to lose a child, no. But he'd seen it, he'd watched it happen to his step son. He'd seen it happen to his sister, so many times. And he was feeling it, now. He was angry, and sad, and numb, and in pain, and he didn't have anything to say to his husband to that.

He'd gotten to that point, a long, long time ago, when he'd been too tired to roll out of bed, to put his clothes on and go to work. But he'd done it, over and over, until their had been something to hope for, because he wouldn't let life beat him.

Sometimes, he almost wished it had.

 

"I know, you're tired. I know, you don't have to tell me."

"Then don't ask me to hope for anything else, Dominic. If you love me as I believe you do, do not ask me to hope for yet one more thing that will only be taken away from me."

"There's nothing to do but hope, Husband. When you stop hoping, you're dead. Are you dead, Lionel?" Dominic looked up at him, and gazed at him imploringly for a long moment. "Are you dead to me, to your son, to the world?"

Lionel didn't answer, just picked up the whiskey bottle and took another long pull.

Dominic climbed back to his feet and walked back into the bedroom a second time, but this time he didn't return. He pushed his feet into his slippers and left the bedroom, walking down the long hall and down the steps. Not too long a way, just down to the kitchen, where he went about making a pot of tea. He didn't want to drink the whisky plain, and if he had no control over his life, he had control over this.

Lionel didn't move, just tilted the whiskey bottle up to his lips, and drank. He didn't know how much he could or should drink before he got sick, and at the moment, he couldn't quite bring himself to care. Not for anyone's sake.

The clinking of pots and cups in the kitchen woke Hilde from the light sleep she was in, and she hoisted her old bones up out of bed, and wrapped herself in a pale green robe before opening the door to her room.

As soon as she laid eyes on the situation, she knew something was wrong. She didn't say a word, just took the teakettle from Dominic's hand and filled it herself at the sink, pointing him towards the cabinet for the lavender tea and the honey pot.

Dominic couldn't look at her. He just swallowed and opened the cabinet open, taking down the box he knew she'd meant. Lavender tea, and a teeny pot made to look like a flower. He set them both down on the counter top and opened a drawer with the silverware, taking out a few spoons...then taking out three cups from the cabinet above.

She raised an eyebrow at the third cup but didn't say a word as she tended the kettle, waiting for it to boil. As she waited, she picked up a sturdy wooden tray and loaded the cups and little saucers on the tray, then the spoons and the waffled honey spoon, and a small glass bowl with sugar. The teakettle whistled, and she nodded towards the refrigerator for milk as she took the kettle off.

He walked around her and took the first gallon he saw from the shelf, setting it beside the little tray as he swallowed and shook his head as he took the third mug off the little tray, and finally spoke. "For you, Ms. Bird. I'm sorry I woke you with my banging about."

Ms. Bird nodded. "Eets all right; I vasn't sleepink wery heavily anyway." She poured the hot water from the kettle into the teapot, and dropped the bag into the water to steep.

"How was your day?" Quietly asked, as he sat down on one of the stools, watching the elderly lady move about the kitchen.

And knew, he loved her as much as his own mother.

She snorted softly. "It vas spent tekking phone calls. I hope chu do not mind but Enrique und I vere not wery nice to dem."

His lips quirked, for the first time in hours, and the dam he'd been holding back straightened a little. "Yeah? Did you curse them in more than one language, darling?"

"Ja, und they did not even know vhat ve were saying to dem."

"Good." Dominic rubbed his chin a little, the little smile falling away as he looked down at the empty mugs, and took one for himself to drink with Ms. Bird. He didn't have much else to say, not right now, and he rubbed his face softly as he tried not to think.

Ms. Bird filled two of the cups with a little milk, a good spoon of honey, and then the tea. She poured carefully, easily, then set the little teapot back on the tray. She didn't say anything either, but her old mind was fast, and she could guess. "My daughter, she vould be... God. She vould be aboot Herr Lionel's age now. Beautiful thing she vas too, und I tink that vas vhy she vas chosen. Dey vere jealous of her, chu see. Because she vas so pretty."

He took one of the mugs carefully, and listened to her speak without looking at her. "Chosen?" He asked, quietly, and finally did glance up, just a minute, before back down. It shamed him, to smell of smoke and liquor when around this old lady, and he rubbed his chest a moment before taking a drink of the tea.

If she noticed--which she did--she didn't give any indication of it. "Ja, she vas chosen by the angels. She vas so pretty, dey vanted her to be one of deirs."

He looked up at the revelation, shocked... then the lance of pain in his chest and he had to close his mouth so his throat could bob, several times, swallowing at the lump that had grown deep that refused to be swallowed down. "I'm... I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"Ve vere bringing her home from de hospital." She waggled her eyebrows then. "Aye, dere vas never a Mr. Bird, but I had de most beautiful baby Bird." A quiet sigh then. "But she vas too pretty. She vas choking by de time ve got halfway to de house, und by de time ve got her back to de hospital, she vas gone. Dere vas... how do you say, blockage? In her t'roat."

"I am… so sorry, Ms. Bird." Dominic said, so softly, and reached for her hand then, taking the smaller hand in his own and squeezing gently. "I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through that... I never knew." His throat bobbed, tightly. "Is she here in the states?"

"Ja. She is in Cheecawgo, buried dere. But she is alvays here," she said, putting her hand over her heart.

"How… did you get through it, Ms. Bird?" He asked quietly, looking up at her. "What did you and your husband do?"

"Dere vas no husband," she said quietly. "Dere vas only me. Und I vas sad. I vas very sad, but I could not stop living. I eventually moved, und den, the pain was lessened as I worked and lived."

"You're one of the most beautiful people I know, Ms. Bird." Dominic answered back, and squeezed her fingers as he brought them close to him and scooted his stool over a little. "You're so strong. I wish we were strong like you."

"But chu are." She tapped his nose with her fingertip. "Chu are. Chu both are."

He lay his head down on the countertop, and sighed, staying quiet for a long moment. "The surrogate mother took off. Our daughter will be dead in another twenty some hours, Ms. Bird. Lionel is talking crazy talk, I'm trying not to break down and have myself a flip out, Diane Sawyer has all but ruined our lives."

Ms. Bird petted his head lightly. "Chu must have faith. De darkest time is the time vhen you tink dere is no hope. Dat is vhen you find who chur friends are."

"if you hear a crash, then you know I've finally beat him about the head." Dominic muttered, but he smiled at her a little and rose to give her cheek a kiss. "Thank you, Ms. Bird." He squeezed her hand, tightly in his, and brought it to his lips to kiss once, then again. "You are my sanity in the dark."

Ms. Bird hugged the younger man tightly. "I vill keep the ambulance on de speed dial."

"Happy Valentines day, Ms. Bird."

"Heppy Valentine's Dey, Herr Dominic."

Dominic smiled at her, gently, and rose to his feet. A final goodnight to her and he took the tray out with him, with the two angel mugs, the milk, honey, sugar, spoons, and teeny cookies on a plate on the tray as he walked through the silent house. Nothing but the pure silence of the middle of the night... light fussing from Shaney he could barely hear, and then the quiet sounds of Dominic's brother putting him back to sleep. It soothed, and it made his heart ache in equal measure, an ache that cut down to the quick.

The first thing he saw upon entering the bedroom was that it, like the rest of the house, was deathly still. No movement, no sound, no nothing.

It was almost like slow motion, in Dominic's mind. Everything around the corners of his vision fuzzed white.

He's jumped out the window.

He's killed himself.

He's left me alone.

No. None of that, but close.

His lover's hand, the rings glinting on the fingers, attached to dress shirt and arm, just visible on the floor of the bedroom, the rest of his body hidden on the porch and just barely visible from where Dominic stood.

The wooden tray fell out of his hands... its contents shattered, and Dominic screamed, on top of his lungs, for help as he raced forward into the dark abyss of the terrace, where his life, lying motionless on the tile, began to slip away.

- = - = -

Toby tucked his patient into bed. "Jesus Christ, Lex. Many times as I done that to you, never thought I'd be doin' it to your old man." The stomach pump sat to the side, waiting to be cleaned, and the contents of Lionel's stomach--mostly alcohol and two little pills--had been carefully disposed of. "What the hell were you thinkin', kid?"

"That I'm not my father's keeper," Lex bit off quickly. "I wasn't watching him, Toby; I was working on his problem myself."

Dominic sat beside them, without a word said. He hadn't, since he'd found his lover, sprawled with barely a pulse in his neck.

The flash of it had him shuddering, and he looked away to the terrace doors. The dawn was just beginning to peak over the deep blue sky. It would be daybreak before too long, and the new day would shine on them without a care in the world to how they felt.

He'd just spent the most miserable night of his life.

Lex had taken care of everything. When Dominic had wanted to take him to the hospital, Lex insisted on Toby. They're going to lock him away if they think he's tried to kill himself. Yes, indeed. Dominic hadn't thought of that, of anything remotely near that, while his lover shook and trembled in his arms on that cold tile floor.

He was curled up in a chair in the corner of the room, without having said a word. There was nothing to say.

"Its not his fault." Clark answered, as well, quietly. He helped Toby tuck the blankets up over Lionel's shoulders, careful to keep him warm, and gently used one of the wash clothes set to the side to wipe Lionel's forehead gently. There was an IV going with saline to get him hydrated again, and medical stuff Clark didn't know... didn't want to think about.

All he knew? He never, ever, ever, wanted to see someone's stomach get pumped again.

"Yeah, well, somebody was fuckin' stupid to let him wash down two Valium with a half gallon of scotch and whiskey!" Toby tossed the rest of his stuff into his bag. "He's gonna be fine; make sure he drinks--WATER, please, folks?--and if he complains about a sore throat, give him something over the counter--there's the spray and there's drops."

"Thank you, Toby." Clark answered, and helped him pack the rest of his things up. Lex had put him in charge of going down to the office and paying him, and Clark was cool on that, definitely. He led him out of the room, a last look to his aushna', before trooping down the steps.

Toby followed Clark down the stairs, picking up his bag and glaring at Lex over his shoulder.

Lex sat down on the side of the bed. "What happened, Dom?" Lionel was still mostly out of things.

Dominic was completely spaced out, but he heard his step son, and he looked up for a moment, uncomprehending.

Lex waited patiently. "Dominic? What happened?"

"I...went downstairs. For... tea." His eyes shifted to the spot on the ground where the remnants of the little treat he'd brought to share with his lover was now only a memory and the stain of tea on pale carpet. "We… had been smoking, and I went for tea."

"You didn't put it together," Lex said softly. "You didn't think that alcohol and a scrip like this didn't mix." Lex rang the trash can with the Valium bottle. "I'm not surprised, what with everything you've got on your mind." He sighed. "We have a grand total of one option."

He was still mostly uncomprehending, and he let his legs drop from the chair, leaning forward to scrub his face. Because of his stupidity, his lover had almost died. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms for a long moment before looking up. "Option for what." Not a question, just a statement.

"For your daughter."

"Oh." He met his stepsons eyes. "Do I want to know?"

"I don't know. How do you feel about your sister being a possible surrogate?"

He rubbed his face. Didn't have anything to say to that, because he was so close, so close, he was going to lose his mind, and he let his head hang down again without speaking a word.

"I take that as no," Lex said quietly.

Dominic was quiet, for a long, long moment, but when he finally did speak, his voice was under control, and he had his wits about him once more. "I won't ruin my baby sisters life by impregnating her. I won't do it. She has a full and beautiful life ahead of her, and I won't let her ruin her body, hurt her heart, for me."

"But it may be the only way," Lex said softly, still resting his hand on his father's arm.

"Then this isn't our time to have a child." Was all Dominic said, quietly. "I can't... won't, spend nine months hating myself for being so selfish as to ruin her life, Lex."

Lex nodded. He didn't even bring up the other name for the same reason, because he knew Dominic would react the same way. "I won't give up, Dominic. The people out looking for Melissa are still looking, and they're reporting back to me, on the hour."

He looked up, then, at his son. "It isn't going to happen, Lex. They aren't going to find her in time, and even if they do, what then? She's implanted... so what? She'll run again, or worse, she'll kill our daughter. Why, look for a woman who doesn't want to be in the situation anymore? Its fruitless, you see."

"Once she's implanted, we'll make sure she stays. She's legally and contractually obligated, and we can keep her under guard to make sure she fulfils that obligation." He sighed. "I just... Clark's right. You and Dad can't go through this too. It's bad enough we had to."

He tipped his head. "Do you honestly think either your father and myself could keep a woman under lock and key while she grows our child, Lex? Honestly?" Dominic just shook his head, and scratched his fingers through his hair as he rose. He pulled the chair over to Lionel's bedside, where he was resting, right in front of Lex. "There's nothing that can be done."

Lex slid off the bed, and put his hand on Dominic's elbow. "Come on. It's no good for you to be here. Go, outside. Get some fresh air; watch the sun rise. I'll call you when he wakes up."

"Don't let him wake up alone." Dominic said, quietly. He wanted to get out of the mansion... he wanted to get off the planet. He wanted a hole, to die in. "I don't know whether I should hate him for trying to die on me, or be grateful he didn't." He said it, softly, as his green eyes flickered over Lionel. "I don't really know what to say to him, at all."

"I won't let him wake up alone." Lex sighed. "Be glad he didn't. I don't think he was trying, because we both know... Dad's not that incapable. Anything he tries to do, he'll succeed at."

Which made his chin tremble, and a hand rubbed over his face again before Lex saw it. "Fuck."

Lex sighed. "Come on. I'll go out with you, and then come back. Last thing you need to be is alone right now."

Dominic rose to his feet, didn't bother with shoes. Bare toes hidden half under the long pajama bottoms, pale blue and white stripes, and he rubbed his neck quietly as he looked at his lover once before following Lex. "Did Toby say he'd be alright?'

"He did. He will be. God knows I've had my stomach pumped enough times; he'll be fine, Dominic. Clark'll go into town and pick up some throat spray before school in case of a sore throat, and by tonight, he'll be back to his old self."

"No." Dominic answered, quietly. "He won't be. He won't be alright. He's not going to be alright, Lex. He's not going to be alright again." He rubbed his face again. "There was a hopelessness, a helplessness... devoid of any emotion about him last night. Like he refused to be in the world, refused to be with me, refused everything. He won't be his old self ever again."

"Yes, he will be." Lex got to his feet, and pulled Dominic up with him. "Come on. You need to get out for a little while. We'll get you outside, some fresh air. You'll feel better."

"No." Dominic's teeth grit. "He won't. Who he was when your mother was alive, who he was after Julian died, who he was when we first got together, and who he was before all this happened were different people. Grief, in its stages, changed him, and I'm terrified, I'm terrified that he's not going to be the man I married anymore, that he's going to barely be able to look at me, that he's going to treat me like he treated you after your mother died." He was not going to cry. No. He was most certainly not, and he stopped to get the shudder from his voice, and lock his jaw tightly.

"He won't treat you like that. You're different than I am, Dominic. He had to associate with me, by default. I'm his son, and I'm nothing but a reminder of Mom, despite the fact I'm told I look just like him. He loves you; he chose you." Then he did something he'd never thought he'd do; he hugged Dominic tightly.

Dominic was too far gone in his mind to do nothing but hug back, the shaking in his body evident to him now by the tight solidity of Lex's. "He will. You don't know him like I do. I know your father, I know him, and I know what he does when he's grieving. He did it to you... I saw, before you even knew who I was, I saw how he loved and adored you. You were his son, his heir, his child. He loved you more… more t-than he loved your mother, he loved you, Lex, and then... after, I saw what he did, I saw what he did to you, I saw how he ignored you, I saw it. He chose to love you, and then after... after he went cold as ice. Lex, I can't take it if he does it to me, I can't take it."

"Ssssh." Lex hugged him tighter. "It's okay. He's not going to, Dominic. He's not going to turn on you like that. He won't. Because I promise you, I'm going to find a way to fix this, but right now, you have to relax. You're shaking like a leaf. Come on. Fresh air, outside. Get out of this fucking mausoleum of a house and part of the real world."

There had to be something written down somewhere about children comforting the parents as the parents had comforted the children, but it was all a jumble in Dominic's mind, and when he would have made a snarky little comment, now all he did was squeeze Lex tightly before letting go, and nodding, his throat bobbing. "Theres so much to do. We have work to do, so much of it. can't... indulge, Lex."

"Forget the work, all right? I'll take care of it; I was taking care of it before you guys came to Smallville, I'm capable of doing it now. Half of it's done remotely from here anyway. No more arguing."

"Damn you, you brainy child." But he squeezed Lex's hand tightly in his for a moment before letting go, and with a last look at his lover, slipped out the door. Down the steps, down the steps and out of the house, because he could barely breath. Passed Clark without seeing him, Enrique a snap and snarl, and he opened the door and stepped out onto spongy, soft grass. The warmth of the day was beginning to emerge, the light of almost-dawn filling the sky. The dew of the night clung to the blades of grass, moistening and muddying his bare feet but he could hardly care. If anything he felt like he was fifteen again, racing outside with his brothers and Megan, playing American football. It always resulted in muddy jeans, torn hands, happy laughter, and a swat from his mother for tracking mud in the house, but all of that was he nor there.

There was a small garden, a beautiful garden off the side of the house, with fountains, a little duck pond, a bench, and what had to be thousands of flowers. He had loved this little garden since the first time he'd seen it, almost three years ago as it were, as he sat himself down on the bench.

And here, in his solitude, burst into hot, dark, wrenching sobs. The dam opened, filled the lake of his mind with anguish, and his fist came up to press tightly against his breaking heart as he fought not to scream, face crumbling as he looked down at his lap.

The room emptying had been all that Lionel had been waiting for. He swung his feet off the side of the bed, and put his head between his hands, waiting for the fog to clear. He'd heard, or at least had thought he'd heard, at some point during his ordeal, the young lady, Ms. Sullivan. He had to talk to her. Desperately so.

With agonizing slowness, he made his way out of his bedroom, and started down the hallway.

He wanted to cave in, and die. Dominic had dreamt, so many times, about this tiny little garden when he'd come to live with Lionel. Dreamt about having children here, about playing with them, about feeding the endless flock of ducks and taking his son, or his daughter, for walks up and down the little paths where the roses bloomed. And then when that dream became a reality, when he knew in only weeks worth of time he'd have a little girl, he'd come out here himself one cool Sunday morning and clipped roses from each and every rose bush, and had taken them to the catholic church in Smallville, to have the nuns pray over them. Pray for the safety of his daughter, pray for a smooth passage. Maybe he hadn't prayed enough. Maybe God was punishing him, for being gay. Maybe it had all been a huge joke, to make the pain that much more sharp, that much more real.

The bitterness with God only hardened his tears, until he curled up on the bench, the side of his body pressed close to the back of the bench seat, legs drawn up as he cried into the privacy of them.

Lionel made it into the bedroom, nearly completely agonized, a pain stabbing over his right eye. He leaned against the wall, and when he saw Dominic through the window, he straightened up, shook the pain out of his head, and went into the nursery, which broke his heart but allowed him to look down on his lover. He sat down in the rocking chair, and just stared at his lover through the window.

- = - = -

The house was burning. Burning, burning, and she was screaming as the flames licked at the doors, the floor, all around the bed, and Whitney wouldn't wake up. She screamed for him to get up, to help her find a way out, to help the three of them get out.

And she was startled awake, by another sobbing cry.

The room, still cast in shadows, was cool, the blowing breeze from outside lovely coming in through the screen. She heard the sobbing, as she woke up, and rubbed her eyes with her palms as she climbed up onto her elbows.

Her boyfriend was sleeping beside her, lying half on her pillow and half on her.

And someone was crying.

She sat up some more...carefully slid out from under her lover, and let her legs drop off the side of the bed. She was still wearing the pajamas from last night, the tissues discarded to the side from where she and her lover had had a good, long talk, and she had had a good, hard cry. She hated her father acknowledging she was a slut, and she'd broken down and told Whitney.

The way he'd treated her, loved her, reassured her, made her love him all the more.

She climbed up from the sheets, tugging on a pair of shorts... Whitney's shorts that slid half down her hips, tugged on her tube socks, and carefully opened the bedroom door so she wouldn't disturb her boyfriend.

Whitney snorted once in his sleep, turning onto his side, pulling Chloe's pillow against him and curling into it. He snorted again, then turned back onto his back and cracked open his eyes. "Wha?"

"Shh. Go to sleep, baby. Going for some juice." She whispered it, and blew him a kiss and a wink.

It sounded like a cross between a grunt and "okay," but whatever it was, it filtered up from his pillow as he threw it back over his head.

Chloe rolled her eyes, but it was out of love as she padded out into the hall. The crying was quiet, deep... inherently masculine, and it was carving her heart out of her chest. An open doorway just a little down the way, and she stepped around one of the corners to the source of light. Dawn, as it began to rise, from a small doorway at the end of the hall, and Chloe walked down it carefully, stopping to listen once. She didn't want to walk in on something she shouldn't, but her natural curiosity had her opening the door a little more, quietly, and looking.

Lionel. Sitting in a rocker, carefully rocking. A babies crib, and a bare room.

Oh boy.

She hated his guts, but because she was Chloe, she spoke anyway. "Mr. Luthor?"

Lionel didn't look up at first, but when he heard the voice, he did, and he quickly turned his head out the window until he could wipe his face slightly clean. "Come in, Ms. Sullivan."

"Hi."

The tears scared her. Badly.

"Is everything okay?" She raised one socked foot to rub against her calf, throat bobbing as she looked from him to the doorway she'd just come in on.

"No, Ms. Sullivan, it's not. It's very, very far from okay."

"Is there anything I can do?" Her throat bobbed, as she closed the door to the study behind her. "What... what happened?"

Lionel sighed. She'd know sooner or later, everyone else did. "Our surrogate mother ran off, Ms. Sullivan. Seems she was quite fed up with the media attention." The movements of his head did nothing to soothe the pounding in it, and he leaned his forehead against the cool glass.

"Who...who's crying?" Chloe whispered, though she had the sick, deep feeling who was, as she stepped around Lionel, tentative to go any further as she swallowed.

Lionel turned around to look at her, tear tracks still fresh as his beard glistened. "Dominic is."

Her breath caught, her fingers pressed to her lips, and she took a step... another, on the soft, spongy carpet, and looked out the window.

Dominic was crying. As hard as he ever had in his life, the deep, souled, wrenching sobs of a broken man. He was curled in on himself on the bench, hugging his knees tightly and rocking as he cried. He hadn't moved, hadn't said a word, hadn't done anything, but all the pain, all the anguish, was coming out in waves. His lovers attempted suicide, his daughters impending death, Diane Sawyer, the business... everything, everything he'd been keeping inside for weeks poured out of him in great gusty breaths, and he felt all the walls he'd carefully balanced, brick by brick, slide from his heart.

Chloe's throat tightened, as she looked from that handsome man, to the one sitting in the rocker, and her throat burned with her own tears that welled. "Oh, no."

"Oh, yes." Lionel shifted the rocker just a little, so that he looked straight out of the window.

"Is...is the baby going to die?" She whispered, looking down at the man for only a moment before back outside.

"Yes. In less than..." Lionel trailed off. "In less than a day, I suppose. I don't even know what time it is." He didn't know why he was answering the question.

"What are you going to do?" Asked even quieter, as her fingertips, which had pressed to her lips, now trailed the glass softy.

"Mourn. That's about all we can do." Lionel... felt horrible. Not hung over, but well aware that he had been ill in the night.

"There's no other way?" The whimper escaped her before she could help it, at the sobs that didn't seem to want to stop outside, her fingers tracing the glass as she looked at the reflection of Lionel in it.

"Not that we've seen, no. No one else is capable; all of our candidates, as I understand, are either with child themselves, or incapable of bearing children. And even if we found someone willing, there's no way of guaranteeing they'd be fertile and prepared to carry the child."

"What..." Her father was going to kill her in her sleep. "What… what a-about… about me?" She looked at him, in the reflection. "What about me, Mr. Luthor?"

"What about you? You're a minor, young lady, and your father would never consent to it. Nor would my husband."

"But I'm fertile, I have… you know, a uterus." Her throat bobbed, as she turned to look at him. "I'll be eighteen in three months. I'm fertile, I could do this."

She needed to do this. She needed to show her worth, she needed to repay her debt to Dominic for saving her life. She needed to do this, for her peace of mind, for her heart. She needed to do this.

Lionel turned his head again to face her. "Are you sure about this, Ms. Sullivan? There is a lot this would entail."

"I'm sure." She'd never been more sure of anything in her life. Her heart was fluttering like a birds in her breast, her throat was tight, Whitney was going to dump her, but she had to do this. If there was ever a good deed she did in her life, THIS was it, and she HAD to do this, HAD TO DO THIS.

"Then go and find Lex." Lionel turned back to the window. "Because he is the one who will have to help you."

She took one more look at Dominic... then turned her gaze to Lionel, and did something she was almost scared to do.

She touched his shoulder.

"Make him stop."

Lionel was still a moment, and then reached up, putting his hand over hers and squeezing it once. "I think your news will do that, Ms. Sullivan."

"No. I mean, go make him stop now." She nodded, and turned her palm around to give his hand a squeeze, before swallowing, throat bobbing, and nodded. "You're... spouses. Go make your spouse stop, because if not, I might go strangle a puppy somewhere." A nod, and her throat bobbed.

He sighed softly. "Chloe... if you don't mine me calling you that... I'm not sure that I can make him stop. I don't know that I can make myself stop, you see, and if I cannot be strong, then there is no way he can see me like... this, and not cry as well."

"Well..." She tipped her head. "Whenever... I'm sad, and I don't tell Whitney? He gets upset that I didn't tell him. But when I do tell him… I cry, he cries, and at the end? We feel better, and closer, than ever. And I love him, cause he loves me enough to let me just… cry on him. You know?"

Lionel nodded. "I know what you mean. But there isn't enough happiness in the both of us together for that to work." He held his hand up. "But I will try."

"Usually? There's not enough happiness in us, either." A nod at him, and she squeezed the hand he offered her, pulling him up gently cause he was kinda old, and nodded as she scampered out of the room, feet pounding as she went hunting for Lex.

Lionel let the young girl pull him up to his feet, and he leaned against the windowsill, palm flat on the glass as he looked out at his lover. He stood there a moment, long enough to gather his strength and his thoughts, and he started plodding down the hallway to the staircase.

Lex was sitting in his downstairs office, clicking away frantically on his laptop as he did time calculations and tried to see if there were any way possible he could extend the viability of the embryo.

And Chloe burst in, like a bat out of hell, as soon as Ms. Bird had pointed her in this direction, skidding slightly on the hardwood with her socks before she stopped in front of Lex, grasped his hand, and tugged. "Me. Its me. I'm here, me, me. I'm the mother." She was panting, barely distinguishable that she was even speaking or squeaking, and nodnodnodded as she jumped from foot to foot.

"Who, what where? Chloe, slow down." Lex wrapped his hand around hers, and put his other one on her shoulder. "Please, slow down. Tell me, what's going on."

"Me! I'm the what!" But she panted, and she was shaking, and Whitney was going to kill her, or possibly maim her beyond recognition, and she whimpered and bit her lip as she hopped from foot to foot. "I talked? To your dad. And I told him, me, it will be me. I'll grow the baby, inside me. Me!"

"Absolutely not."

Oh.

Did he just?

He did.

She snarled at him, her hackles came up, and she put a hand on her hip, the other with her first finger pointing at him like a killer dagger. "Excuse me?"

"Chloe, absolutely not. I will not allow you to throw away your life because you feel sorry for my father and Dominic!"

"It's not about feeling sorry! GOD! DO ALL OF YOU THINK IM A DITZ?!" More of a screech than she'd intended, and she advanced on him, making him step back and she gave him a shove. "You bunch of monkey brained, idiot... MEN! I AM TURNING LESBIAN!"

Lex blinked. Twice, as he stumbled back, and a third time as she shrieked at him. "CHLOE!!! Do you realize what you're doing?"

"Yes! I realize what I am doing! I'm repaying a debt to YOUR step dad, for saving MY life!" Her nostrils flared. "He saved me, when we were about to die, we were seconds away and he held me and made sure I wasn't scared and protected me with his own body! I am repaying that debt. How dumb do you fucking think I am?"

"That was thirty seconds! This is nine months of your life! Not to mention what your father is going to think, the people you go to school with, the rest of the people in this town."

"Fuck um. It was the most important thirty seconds of my life." Chloe wasn't going to budge. Period. "I want to do this, I have to do this, I have to prove it to myself and everyone else and even my dad. Lex, please."

Lex sighed, and stepped back close to her. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I'm positive." She hadn't been more positive in her life. "I'm positive. I want to do this, to help someone... for me, Lex, and for what I can do to make someone happy." She grasped his hands and squeezed them, tightly. Didn't know what the fuck she was doing but it felt right, and she went by her gut, seat of her pants, FLYING. "Please."

"All right." Lex leaned forward and kissed her softly, his fingers carding through her hair as he did it. "Come on. Let's go downstairs; there's a few tests I have to do first, to make sure you're ready."

"Gonna get my--" She was cut off when he kissed her, and she rose up, onto her tiptoes, as he touched her.

Sigh.

Lex let his tongue dip briefly into her mouth, then his thumb stroked her cheek as he pulled away. "Don't need your whatever," he breathed softly.

Her lips quirked at him as she stroked her fingertips across his head gently, then wrapped her arms around him. "Gonna get my period in a few days, I was going to say." She murmured it, quietly. "Thank you. For not… treating me like a four year old."

Lex shook his head, and pulled her closer to him. "Not with this body," he murmured softly.

"Its a great body, isn't it?" But she sniffled, quietly, rubbing her face a little, and couldn't help giggling as she took Lex's hand. "Help me help them have their baby."

Lex nodded, sighing deeply. "You know, this means we'll have to wait almost a year to make love again?" he asked, sliding their fingers together and pulling her behind him.

"Will live without sex." She squeezed his fingers, tightly. She hadn't spoken to Whitney, but she didn't want... him to stop her, and he would, and she needed to do this. "Whitney is going to hate me."

"He won't hate you." Lex pushed hair out of her face, and walked beside her down to the lab. "Your dad is going to have a fit."

Chloe shook her head, eyebrow raised as she looked at her dear, dear friend. "My dad is going to kill me."

"He won't kill you. I'll protect you; I won't allow anything to hurt you."

"Tell that to my dad and his rifle." Chloe muttered, as she squeezed Lex's hand in hers and followed him down the hall.

"Trust me," Lex said back softly, kissing the backs of her fingers. "It's my job to protect." He gave a small smile as they started down the steps. "I'll even make sure the stirrups are warmed up."

=-=-=

Lionel was slowly making his way out through the garden, thankful that someone had left his cane in the closet where it was easy to find. Sunglasses hid his eyes from the glare of the rising sun, and he slowly followed the rough footpath out to the garden, down to the bench where he knew his lover was waiting.

For what, he wasn't quite sure.

The tears had finally stopped. He'd screamed at the world enough for one morning, and his eyes, glassy and red, watched the sun come up. It was a beautiful sunrise, out here in the backwoods where there was no smog and dirt to get in the way. He was in pain, but the worst of it was already open and bleeding in his chest.

The crunch of shoes alerted him and he looked up, as his lover approached him. He kept his eyes on him, not speaking as he watched him come close.

Lionel leaned heavily on the cane, though he didn't let on, and he stopped a few steps away from his lover. "Can I sit?"

He watched him for a moment more before nodding, quickly, tugging his legs closer to his chest and rubbing his face dry on his sleeve, coughing softly and clearing his throat. "How..." Another clearing of his throat. "How are you feeling?"

Lionel didn't answer for a minute, and he settled himself onto the couch. "I talked to Chloe this morning; she's in the laboratory with Lex."

He licked his lower lip, dry yet sticky, and lay his head back down with a soft cough. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm..." Lionel sighed. "Numb."

Dominic just nodded, a little, and let go of his legs enough to let them drop from the bench, sitting normally once more and rubbing a hand over his neck quietly. He hoped to God his lover didn't see he'd been crying, and he just coughed softly to get his voice clear. "Me too."

"I was watching you," he said softly. "From the nursery."

Shit. "Lionel..." He looked up at him, and he was too close to breaking down again, so he just leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and rubbed his fingers through his hair and over his face. "Beloved, I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Lionel reached out a hand, resting it tentatively on his lover's shoulder. "I didn't want to see you cry. But it moved Chloe enough... to volunteer."

"Volunteer what?" he looked up at him, and pressed his fingers over his lovers, as his eyes filled again, his voice choked, and he croaked, after a moment, "I'm so angry with you."

"To carry our baby," he said, almost silently. He laid his head over their clasped hands. "Why are you angry?"

He didn't believe it, not for a moment, and because he couldn't process that much at one time, he whispered, "You almost left me. You promised you wouldn't, and you almost did. Toby had to pump your belly out, and... and he said you'd taken Valium and alcohol. Were... were you trying to kill yourself, purposely, Lionel?"

"Kill... purposefully? You're... no. I wasn't. It hadn't crossed my mind. It just... felt good. Not to feel anything."

"Rather than talk to me, you filled yourself with..." He choked on his words and looked away, up at the sky, to hold the tears in. "I found you. I found you lying on the floor in your own vomit, quaking like you were about to die."

"I couldn't," Lionel said, throat closing around the words. "I couldn't keep talking to you, hurting you the way I was. I couldn't. I'm sorry. I couldn't bear it."

"You were hurt too. Our daughter is as good as dead, Lionel." He looked at him, fury in his eyes that was fueled by pure pain, so it wasn't really fury at all but a bitter, deep anguish. "I'd rather you talk to me than close yourself off and not."

"She's not dead. That's what I came out here to tell you." He looked down at his own hands clasped together. "Chloe saw. She found me in the nursery, saw you through the window. She's going to carry the baby."

His throat bobbed, tightly. It was too good to be true, and a horror in itself, as his eyes filled all over again and he reached over, finally, to wrap his arms around his lovers neck and let out a harsh, dark sound of anguish. "We can't let her do that."

"She wouldn't be dissuaded, though... I admit, I didn't try hard enough to stop her."

"Shut… shut up, for five minutes, and... and hold me a while." His fingers squeezed around his lovers shoulders, as he tugged him a little closer, closing his eyes and holding his lover tightly to him. "Let me."

Lionel held Dominic close, putting his chin on his lover's shoulders as his arms hugged his waist tightly. He didn't say anything, as requested, just held.

He shifted, ever so softly against Lionel, so that they were wound together there where the sun was coming up. He just held his husband as closely, as warmly, as he could, his eyes closing as the tight embraced loosened enough for them to just be. He held him, quietly, as the sun continued to rise, and whispered very quietly, "Don't leave me, because we can't have children."

"I'm not going to leave you for any reason, Dominic." That was all Lionel could say. "I won't. I can't--I can't promise that I won't... shut down. For a while. Because I don't know what else to do. But I won't leave you."

Dominic slid his fingers down to cover the back of Lionel's hand, and laced their fingers, tightly, as he lay his temple on his husbands and looked out at the sky. "I love you, Lionel. I'll be here, for whatever you need me to do."

"I don't know what that will be yet," Lionel confessed softly.

"It'll come to you." Answered just as softly, as he rose his free hand to cup the side of his lovers face his head wasn't resting again. "I'm so angry this is happening."

"I don't have it in me to be angry," Lionel said softly. "You, a child, a second chance at a family, I knew that was too much to ask for someone like me. I'm just... so sorry you have to suffer in this too." He let his head rest against Dominic's.

"It wasn't too much to ask." Dominic's voice broke on the words, and his fingers squeezed Lionel's. "It wasn't too much to ask for happiness, for a second chance at what you want. Its never too much to ask for happiness. I just think there's more in store for us than we could ever presume... that there's some unfinished business somewhere that we have to take care of, before we can be happy. There's no other explanation, no other explanation why God won't give us what we want so much."

"Because, Dominic, God is a vicious, sadistic bastard. Those who believe in him the most are destroyed for it and those who believe nothing at all live blithely without noticing what is going on around them. It is only people who have told him to go to hell because of it that he torments the most. And don't tell me it isn't true, because I have a wife, child, and grandchild in the ground to prove it."

His throat tightened, and he closed his eyes for a long, long moment. "I can't believe God is vicious, sadistic, or a bastard. He gave me you, and Lex, and Clark. He gave me happiness, after I've looked for it for so long."

"Only to take away the most important part of it. Only to attempt to destroy everything else that you hold dear in the process."

"I don't see it that way." He answered it, softly. "He's testing me. I know He is. He's testing me, to see what I'll do. I'm so ashamed. I tried to be strong, for you, for us. I'm so sorry."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for." Lionel swallowed hard against a sore throat. "Can I ask... what happened?"

"Last night?"

"Yes." Lionel nodded.

Dominic just shook his head softly, watching the sky for a moment as he looked for words. "I went… for tea, and biscuits. You were drinking, and smoking, on the porch. When I came back, you were passed out, your pulse was hardly even there, and.." A moment. "its kind of fuzzy, actually. I remember screaming for help...Lex was there, he and Clark. You were having convulsions, throwing up, shaking. They got Toby...we didn't want to take you to the hospital, because for all intents and purposes, it looked like you were committing suicide. It looked that way." Dominic nodded and stopped speaking, until he got his voice back under control, his thumb grazing quietly over the side of his husbands hand. "Toby got there about twenty minutes later, with his stomach pump. I should say, about one or so. He got what he could out of you, but you were still having convulsions. He tried again at 1:30, after medicating you... again at 2:30, and then again at three. He was able to take whatever you had in your belly then, Id say about three fifteen or so, and put you on drugs of some sort to counteract the valium and alcohol. You slept for the better part of an hour, though you were half out of your brain with the affects of the drugs and alcohol in your system, and you were just spouting nonsense about like it was normal speech. You fell asleep, then, and I came out here for some air."

"Then that would explain the sore throat." Lionel rubbed Dominic's hand between both his palms. "I wasn't. I was just... stupid. As I said before. it wasn't intended to do anything, except... stop everything from hurting. Stop my mind from thinking so much."

"It nearly stopped your mind from thinking at all."

"I know." Lionel sighed. "That wasn't the intention."

"Wasn't it, Lionel?" Dominic looked up at him for a long moment. "Be truthful to me. If you could have killed yourself last night, if you had died from what you filled yourself with, would you have gone to the grave happily?"

"That... isn't a fair question," Lionel said after a long moment.

Dominic didn't need an answer to already know, and he just looked off to the sky once more, studying the birds as they sang and began a new day. Selfish bastard. But that was Lionel, and Dominic couldn't be angry at him for it, as he kept lightly stroking the side of his lovers hand with his thumb. "I don't think we should go to work today."

"I hadn't intended to," Lionel said softly. "You and I need to go and see Lex, and see if Chloe... will work out for us."

"I'm very tired, Lionel." He turned his eyes now, finally, to his husband. "Take care of what you can. I'm going to go to sleep, for a little while."

Lionel turned and met his lover's eyes. "Come inside, at least. Go up to our room, and I'll join you later, all right?" He stroked Dominic's hair gently.

"I will. I don't want to be out here anymore." Not in this place, where he'd dreamed of it so long. "Our bedroom is a disaster not even Ms. Bird will be able to clean in less than an hour. I'll nap in our study, alright? I think the dear is already at it." He shook his head, and let go of his lovers hand to rub over his face, his eyes, and he sighed, softly. He'd never let on what type of night he'd had, not ever in this life, and just chose now to forget it ever happened as his hand came up to cup the one his lover had over his ear and hair. "I love you, Lionel."

"I love you, Dominic." It was a monumental effort on his part not to push Dominic as far away from himself as he could, but he refused. He'd made the mistake with Lex; he wouldn't make it with Dominic, who meant everything to him.

"I'll be in the study, should you need me." He rose then, warily to his bare feet, and let the wet, cool grass slide between his toes for a moment, as he leaned over and kissed his lover. Gently, so gently on the cheek, then the lips, and the tears sprang to his eyes again as he closed his eyes and set their foreheads together. "Don't leave me, Lionel."

Lionel raised his hands to cup his lover's face, holding him pressed against him. "I won't. I give you my word."

Dominic's hands came up to squeeze the firm wrists, closing his eyes for a long moment as he fought for his voice, fought for his composure. "I love you, so much. I love you. You're my other half. I love you."

Lionel didn't open his eyes for a moment. "You're the best half of me, Dominic. I love you. I wouldn't leave you alone. Not over this. We are stronger than this."

"You're damned right we are. Much stronger, much more powerful. I'll finish the finances tonight, and we'll see where we stand, my love. Don't worry yourself, we'll take care of everything, and it will be as it should."

Lionel gave a wry snort. "I don't think I'll have anything to drink tonight."

"Over my dead and rotting corpse." Dominic muttered back, and pulled back enough to kiss his forehead, each cheek, and his lips, tenderly, cupping Lionel's head in his hands.

"As soon as I have news from Lex, I'll wake you." He turned his face up into the soft kisses from his lover's mouth.

"Okay." Another quiet kiss and he let go, and trudged back towards the mansion doors in the dawns light.

 

-fin-

go on to the next part