The Memoirs

Lex had declined Bruce and Dick's offer to chaperone him.  "I can drive myself home," he said testily, having called the club and found that his car was still there.

 

Gene was waiting for him outside with the keys.  "Jennifer said you wanted to talk to me?"

 

Lex nodded.  "Yeah.  C'mon, we're going somewhere."  But before they got in the car, Lex held his hand out.  "Give me the coke back."

 

Gene passed the drugs over without complaint, and maneuvered his large frame into the Aston's passenger seat.

 

Lex dropped him off at the Morningside Rehabilitation Center and a fifteen thousand dollar check to pay for the first week of his stay half an hour later.  Another thirty thousand dollar check was deposited in his checking account, and a handwritten note from Lex was left with the bank manager, who had been freshly rousted out of bed.

 

An hour and a half after he'd promised Clark he'd leave Metropolis, he was on the road home.

 

~  ~

 

Two hours after leaving, Lex pulled into the driveway of his estate.  Darkness everywhere, and he almost went inside before putting the car back in gear, and driving back over to the Kents' farm.

 

Turning his headlights off at the top of the driveway, Lex pulled in the long gravel driveway as quietly as he could, parking it outside the barn before walking inside.

 

Clark was sacked out on the thick red couch, socked feet pulled up under him, and his flannel blanket over his shoulders. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep but the link had exhausted him, and his body had simply shut down and put him to sleep for a few hours. His cheek was resting on his upraised knees, which were supported by the back of the couch. His back was pressed to the arm of the couch and a thick, comfy red cushion, and the mug of hot chocolate was still on the tiny table in front of the couch, cold now.

 

Lex quietly climbed the stairs and paused at the top, looking at his lover sleeping quietly.  Not wanting to wake him up, Lex sat silently on the floor, the back of his head barely touching Clark's arm.

 

But as all inquisitive aliens were wont to do, something hummed at the back of his neck...his arm tingled just a little, and his eyes opened. He blinked into the darkness...feeling the cold before his stiff limbs.

 

And before any of that, his lovers presence.

 

No words, not yet. He wasn’t ready yet. So he just shifted a little bit on the cushions, and swallowed.

 

Lex felt the shift, but didn't say anything, turning around so that he could lean against the far end of the couch and look at his beautiful, lovely Clark.

 

Clark opened his eyes again, and looked directly into Lex's. No words spoken... he didn’t need to say anything to be understood.

 

Lex looked back at his lover, without speaking.  Do you know how much I love you? Lex thought as he met Clark's gaze head-on.

 

His chin dimpled, and he lay his cheek against the couch, chin on his knees as he nodded a little.

 

The silence was deafening to Lex's raw nerves.  The weight of his lover's stare was heavy on his shoulders, and above all else a sense of gnawing guilt for having screwed up the best thing in his life.

 

He couldn't stand it any longer.

 

"I tried to fix things," Lex finally said, breaking the oppressive silence.

 

"I know." Clark whispered. He was no one to judge, no one to tell Lex what to do with his life. If Bruce was serious, and he was going to take him, then he was going to take him. There was nothing he could do. He was just a kid, after all, made sure to be reminded of the fact every day that passed. "I’m glad you did."

 

"Was it the right thing to do?"

 

"Yes." A soft nod. "For his family. You saved the people w... who love him, a lot of pain."

 

"Then I'm glad.  When he gets out... I'm going to put him to work for me, doing something else, I don't know what yet."  Lex clasped his hands around one knee, and looked up, not knowing what else to say.

 

He changed the subject, abruptly but at the same time, not at all. "I don’t like Mr. Wayne anymore."

 

"Bruce is a big pill to swallow, I'll give you that."

 

"No. I don’t like him anymore. I’m not going to talk to him anymore."

 

Lex looked up.  "What did Bruce say to you, Clark?"

 

He looked down and away, at the blanket. "Did you bring the car back?"

 

"Yes, I did."  He wanted to turn Clark's face to him, but couldn't quite bring himself to touch his lover yet.  "Clark... what did Bruce say?"

 

"I don’t want to talk about it." He shifted and turned on the couch, letting his feet fall to the ground. "Things... are not okay, Lex."

 

"You have to talk about it."  Lex pulled further in on himself, wrapping his arms around his legs.  "I know they're not, Clark.  I just don't know how to make them right again."

 

"I’m sorry. That I freaked out."

 

Lex sighed.  "You had a right to, as Bruce so candidly pointed out to me.  He reminded me that despite your wisdom and your love for me... there are still things about me you don't understand, and that I needed to pull my head out of my ass and see that."

 

Clark leaned back against the couch... bringing his feet under him Indian style, so the blanket was wrapped around him on his lap. "I didn’t understand. I don’t understand a lot of things. You have a past, a complicated one, and its not fair that I get mad at you for it."

 

"It's also not fair that I got angry at you for not understanding, which is what I did.  And I am sorry for that.  I should never have left you in that hellhole, no matter how angry, hurt, and upset I was, and I won't forgive myself for that."

 

"I was alright." He shrugged absently. "I’m not exactly the kind of guy that can get hurt by anything."

 

"Not by anything physical," Lex said softly.  "But I hurt you in other ways, and I don't know how to make that up to you."

 

"Helping that man was a step." He looked out the long window, where the moon was full, and the stars were comfortably getting ready to slide away to face the dawn. The last day of vacation, then school, on Monday. "Maybe we should take a break."

 

Cold, dark, and dank something slid through Lex's veins and wrapped around his heart, and for a long moment, he couldn't speak.

 

There was a war going on inside him.  He wanted to trust in Clark.  In their love.  He did.

 

Everything else inside of him was screaming that this is the same trap that he always fell into.  He loved, and he lost.  He loved, and he lost.

 

He was paralyzed from the inside out as the war raged inside him.

 

Clark had closed off the link a few hours ago, but he could see the reaction in his lovers eyes. And he leaned forward, and looked at him, and his voice was soft. "Do you believe in what we have?"

 

Lex nodded once, convulsively.

 

"Tell me you do."

 

"I believe in us," Lex croaked out softly, past the choking ball in his throat.

 

"Then trust it. You and I are connected until you don’t want me anymore. There’s no way I can leave you, would ever want to leave you." And it was so simply said, because it was so completely true. "You’re mine until you say you aren’t anymore. But what... what happened, tonight... I need to think. I need some space."

 

"I'm always yours, Clark," Lex choked out.  "There will never be a time when I don't want to belong to you."  He swallowed hard, trying to press down the ball in his throat.  "But I don't know if I can operate without you."

 

"You have to try. I have to grow up a little bit, and I can't do that when I’m around you."

 

"I don't want you to grow up.  Not... not if it means you become more like me.  I want you to stay the Clark I've always loved."

 

"I have to." He said it quietly. "I have to grow up. What happened tonight never would have happened if I weren’t so fucking...young. I hurt us because I’m young, and I’m not going... going to endanger it, anymore." His head snapped up. "Don’t put yourself down. You are wonderful and amazing, and you are tragic and beautiful. Anyone would pay to become like you."

 

"No, Clark.  It wasn't your fault."  Lex held his hands out, holding the blame to himself.  "It was mine.  I shouldn't have done it so casually; I should have known you weren't ready to see these things that I used to do.  Don't--don't blame yourself, don't do this.  Please... just... stay with me."  He closed his arms around himself.  "No, nobody would pay to be like me, and I don't want you being like me either.  I don't want you knowing the things I had to learn, I don't want you knowing the things I know, because they're not you.  They're dirty, and they're ugly, and you're not.  You're precious, and beautiful, and I don't want this shit in my life to taint you."

 

 

"Maybe they are dirty, and ugly. But it was your life for a long time, and I should have been understanding of that. Instead I went off on some… some hero's rant, and you had every right to leave. I’m a big boy, Lex. I should have known what we were doing was wrong, but my hormones get in the way of… of my thoughts, sometimes." And he'd never felt the chasm between their lives as greatly as he did now. "We're so different. We're so completely, and utterly, different. You'd be so much happier with someone older, your age, who understood things."

 

"You are a hero, Clark.  You save lives, that's what you do.  You were trying to stop me from destroying a life.  You didn't rant; I just got my feelings hurt.  Please... I don't want anybody else.  I want you."

 

"We need a break." He said it quietly. "We need to spend some time apart, and get everything back in order."

 

Lex felt shattered by those words.  Totally shattered.  "I don't want to be apart from you."  Bare, quiet whisper.  All he was capable of.

 

"We have to." He said it just as softly. "I need to."

 

And if it killed him, he would see to it that Clark got what he needed.  It was what he did, after all.  Spoiling Clark, giving him anything he asked for.  "All right."  Lex put his head down on his knees for a moment, and then tried to stand up.  "Then I should go."

 

Clark’s chin trembled, as he looked back out the window and nodded. "Y… you can talk to me. If you need me, t… through the link, okay?"

 

Lex stopped at the top of the stairs.  "I always need you, Clark."

 

He nodded a little and set his cheek on his knee, looking away from him... listening to him walk down the steps, as his heart broke into tiny pieces.

 

Lex stopped at the bottom of the stairs again.  "I'll be in Metropolis if you need me.  I'll be--be at the same hotel, until Dad and Dominic come back to Smallville, then I'll be staying at the penthouse."

 

Oh, God. The first tears fell, hard as rain, and he closed his eyes tightly, pressing his face into his knees and calming his voice as much as he could, to speak. "Okay."

 

Lex walked outside at that, then leaned against the hood of his car.  He couldn't see; his eyes were blurred and he pulled out his cell phone and dialed by touch.  "Yeah.  Yeah, it's me.  No, I don't give a fuck what time it is.  I pay you twice what you're worth, just shut up and come pick me up.  I'm at the Kents.  No.  Fuck the car, the goddamned thing can rust.  Just get over here.  I'll be waiting at the top of the driveway."

 

Lex snapped his phone shut and started walking.  Walking away from the love of his life.

 

"You're really going to walk away from me, aren’t you?"

 

The bitter cold did nothing to stop the tears sliding down his face... the complete defeat of his slumped shoulders, or his trembling chin. He stood there, at the door to the barn, with the flannel blanket over his shoulders, hands underneath holding it closed.

 

Lex froze, shaking his head.  "I don't want to.  You don't know how it's killing me inside.  But you said you needed this, Clark... and I will give you anything--everything--you need.  Even if it's freedom from me."  He turned around, looking at his love as his hands slid into his pockets.  "Don't make me leave.  Please."

 

"You'd do it. I-if I asked."

 

Lex nodded.  "I'd do anything you asked me to, Clark."

 

"Stop it. Don’t do it anymore. Don’t leave m-me." He whispered, taking a step forward... then feeling strange and out of place, and he stopped, looking down at the gravel his socked feet were currently standing over. He could feel the cold of it permeating his feet, numb and strange, and his throat hitched as he spoke. "I love you."

 

The step forward was all Lex needed, and he ran.  He ran the few feet separating them, not thudding to a halt until he smacked into Clark's immovable body and wrapping his arms around his lover's chest.  "I love you, Clark.  I'm not leaving, not if you don't want me to.  I'll never leave you."

 

Oh, God.

 

Clark dropped the blanket and wrapped his arms around his lover, pulling him tightly into the warmth hull of his embrace, and for the first time he was glad of their height difference. He curled Lex deep against his chest, inside his arms, holding him and pressing his cheek to the side of his face. "I love you. I love you. Don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave me. I love you."

 

Lex didn't let go; he pushed closer to Clark, standing almost on top of him as he held him close.  "I love you."  He laid his cheek on Clark's shoulder, stroking his back, arms tight around him.  "I love you so much, it was killing me to walk away but I swore I'd give you anything you needed."  His grip tightened further, if it were possible.  "I love you, don't ever ask me to leave you again.  Let me always be with you."

 

"Thought I needed some space, thought, but life without you, like before, like when there was no one there to love me like you do and I cou-couldn’t let you leave, I couldn’t let you leave, I love you so much, please don’t leave," Clark whimpered very softly, holding him, hugging him tightly as his knees threatened to give out, and he locked them tightly as he hugged. "I’m sorry, sorry for everything, I’m sorry I can't be the person you need."

 

"You are the person I need," Lex reassured his lover, not even shivering in the cold as they stood outside.  Clark’s body was all the warmth he needed.  "You're the only person I need, I'm just sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not the kind of man you want me to be, but I will be, I swear, just teach me, please.  Teach me what you want me to be and I will be that.  I can't do it without you, and I have to be worthy of you.  Please, say you will teach me."

 

"You are the man I need. I don’t w...want to change you." Clark whispered, and tears were so hot and tight in his throat. "I love you just because you're you, and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that I told you I didn’t. You’re wonderful, and beautiful, and you're my friend, and I don’t want you to change, I don’t want you to be different, because I love you and I’m so sorry." He whispered, holding him tighter for a moment before letting go. "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry."

 

Lex whimpered softly when Clark let him go, and refused to let go of his own grip.  "No... it's okay, you're right.  I love you, you are my best friend, and I do trust you.  I just need your help."  He pressed his cheek tighter against Clark's shoulder.

 

He shook his head, lifting Lex so Clark could cup his face, stroke his cheekbones, look at him, gaze at him in the eyes, and press their foreheads together. "I'll help you, I'll do anything to help you, but I don’t want to change you, I don’t want that responsibility, please don’t look at me like I have the answers because I don’t. I’m stupid and young and I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I don’t want you to hurt because of me."

 

"You're not stupid.  Don't ever say you're not.  You're not stupid, Clark, do you hear me?"  Lex's hands shook his lover gently.  "I won't have you calling yourself stupid!"  He glared into his lover's eyes.  "You are the answer.  You're the answer to any question that I ever have about my life."

 

He nodded, swallowed, and looked down between them, as hot emotion filled his throat again. "Are you going home?"

 

"Wherever you are is home to me, Clark."  Lex moved Clark's face up to him.  "If you are staying here tonight, then so am I.  I'll sleep on your couch or your hammock or on your floor.  If you're going back to the estate, then that's where I'll go."

 

"I want to stay here." He whispered, nodding softly. "Stay with me here. I want to...to talk to you, still, I want to be able to say stu-stuff."

 

"Then here's where I'll stay."  Just then, headlights came down the driveway.  "Let me get rid of Enrique and send him back home."

 

He squeezed Clark's hand, wanting to tow his lover behind him as he went to the car but letting him go as he stuck his head into the driver's side.  A quick hum of exchanged words, a spate of Spanish curses, and Lex stepped back as the car spun out of the driveway again, and Lex turned back to Clark.  "I'm yours."

 

He offered his hand, quietly, and opened the barn door as something heavy and painful hit his heart. His eyes were quiet, his footsteps the same, as he led his lover back up to the loft. He let go and dropped the blanket on the couch, crouching down to put on the little heaters his mom had gotten him some time ago from Sears, and they began to warm the barn up quickly. He closed the shutters as well, locking them up tight, and lit the white lights strung around the loft with a little switch. When he was finished he got two extra blankets from a small shelf beside the open window, and sat down on the couch again, inviting him to sit. "We should talk."

 

Lex took his lover's hand and followed him back up the stairs to the loft, and stood quietly at the top of the stairs as Clark went about his little routine, and then at the invitation to sit, he sat beside Clark on the sofa, sitting as close as he dared, snuggling into Clark's warmth and wrapping himself in one of the extra blankets.

 

He pulled a blanket over him as well, pulling his knees up to his chest and inviting Lex to do the same thing. He was wary of touching, unable to do much of anything at this point, when his mind was racing and his heart screaming. And decided bluntness was the best option, even if it was gentle. "What you did is wrong."

 

"I'm sorry I did it," Lex said quietly.  "It was all I knew to do.  I always did it.  I'm sorry you had to see it; and I won't do it again.  I promise."

 

"Lex, stop." He shook his head, and his eyes were piercing when he looked at him. "Stop it. Stop apologizing. Stop telling me you won't do it again. We're going to talk, and I don’t want that in our conversation anymore, okay?" He shifted a little bit. "I’m a goody-goody, maybe. But seeing you with drugs... you know why it scared me, right?"

 

"I'm--"  Lex grinned ruefully.  "Sorry.  All right.  No more apologies."  He scrubbed his face with his hands as he gazed at his lover.  "You're not a goody-goody."  A deep sigh.  "Because you thought I was still using."

 

"Keep going. Why else do you think?" Clark asked gently, rubbing his knee softly as he rested against the back of the couch.

 

"I don't know why else.  Maybe... maybe because you didn't want to see me with them."  He tried to think, but it was hard.  "Maybe because it didn't fit in with the person I am now and you don't want to see me backslide."

 

"Yes." A nod, soft, quiet. "That’s why. All those reasons are why. It all came into my mind in that exact second when you pulled it out, and I didn’t... couldn’t react like I should have. I’m sorry I attacked you the way I did." He shifted, wished for hot chocolate to be hot, but he didn’t want to go to the house and wake his parents up. "I haven’t been here long, but my parents have taught me things. Good things, that I go by in my life. One of them is drugs, and the whole... "Don’t go anywhere where you think there will be drugs". Drugs ruin your life, baby, as cliché as it is. I don’t want your life to be ruined."  And now, he was brutally honest, and he tipped his head. "If you have them anymore, I'll leave you, Lex. I love you beyond anything imaginable, but its something I can't tolerate."

 

Lex shook his head.  "I don't.  You can search me, the car, anything you want.  I don't have them.  I don't even make them any longer.  I have the stuff in the lab but I use it for other experiments.  You can clean out my lab if you want, and throw out anything you find that you don't like."  He hugged his knees like a little boy as he curled up tightly.  "They will ruin your life... tonight's proof of that."

 

He shook his head a little bit, tipping it as he set his chin on his knee. "You're a grown man. I won’t do that, and I won't take it away from you when you need it for science. But if ever, ever again, when we go out or anything, and you have them, that’s it. Okay? Its the only thing I’m strong about, and the only thing I’m going to say anything about. I love you, but I won't watch you snort your way to an early gr.. grave." He cleared his throat gruffly.

 

"Clark... I haven't used since I came to Smallville.  I was sober when I got here, and I've stayed that way since.  You have to believe me."

 

"I do." He whispered, and nodded. Because he could feel it, in his heart.

 

"Good."  He held out his hands to Clark.  "Because you have to know that I wouldn't risk doing anything that would put you in danger."

 

"Its not about me, Lex." Clark shook his head and took Lex's hands, slowly pulling him forward. "It has nothing to do about me. Its about you, and the danger you could put yourself in. I won't sit by and watch you do it."

 

"I won't do it.  You have my word on that."  He laced his fingers tightly through Clark's.  "I won't do it because we're so linked... anything that I do could hurt you and I won't.  I just won't be responsible for hurting you ever again."

 

"Lex, god, dammit." Clark pulled away and stood, standing before him in ratty jeans and a white t-shirt, and he shifted, one hand going to the back of his neck and the other to his hip. "You don’t understand, you don’t.." He turned again and got to his knees in front of him. "Lex, don’t think about me. Do this for yourself, because you want to be okay. Do this for you."

 

"But I have to think about you."  Lex leaned over, rested his forehead against Clark's.  "Because I'm not okay without you."

 

"I know. I know, Lex." He said it softly, holding him tightly for a long moment before sitting back on his haunches, there on the floor, and gazing up at him. "But you need to do this for you. Because you want to, not because I’m making you."

 

Lex held tightly to Clark and then watched as he pulled away.  "I don't know how.  I don't know how to want things for myself.  Cars, paintings, objects... yes.  But otherwise... I don't know."

 

"What do you see, for your life?" Clark asked quietly.

 

"I used to see myself ruling the world.  President, dictator... supreme whatever."  He laced his hands together and reached for Clark's again.  "I still see myself in the White House... but I'm not sure any longer what I'm doing there.  All I know is now, there isn't blood on my hands."

 

This time, Clark climbed onto the couch, and pulled his lover in to his arms. He held him to his chest, eyes crushed closed as he set his cheek on that soft bald head. "There isn’t blood on your hands. Lex, do you understand the good that you could do, if you were the President of the United States? The good you could do for people… the... you could stop hunger, you could help the elderly people pay for medicine, you could fix Medic-Aid, you could do so much."

 

"That's never what I saw myself doing before," Lex said softly, hugging back and nestling into warmth.  "I never saw myself helping people before.  I never saw myself being the people's champion.  I never saw myself doing anything but serving my own interests."  He rubbed Clark's shoulders, his quick mind thinking about what Clark had just said.  "It wasn't until I met you that the vision changed."

 

"I’m glad." He said it quietly, closing his eyes as Lex hugged him. "I’m very glad, Lex. I want to help you, I want to see you change and grow." He cleared his throat softly, and closed his eyes. "It's the only thing I want. I want you to feel good about yourself, and I want you to do good things for people because you're capable of it. I don’t...I don’t want to watch you sink into oblivion."

 

"I won't."  Lex stroked his hand over Clark's cheek, pushing long bangs out of his eyes and sifting gently through dark hair.  "I won't sink as long as you're with me."

 

Clark froze as the hand started to stroke through his hair, shifting away just a little bit, and swallowing as he lay back against the cushions. "Are you going to go anywhere with Bruce?"

 

Lex let his hand fall to Clark's shoulder, then back to his lap when Clark shifted away to lean back.  "We may be going out to dinner a few times while we're cleaning up the merger in Metropolis, but other than that, I'm not going anywhere with Bruce."  He reached out again and tucked a dark curl behind Clark's ear.  "Don't be jealous of Bruce; what he and I have is long over and done with; we're friends now and that's it."

 

"I’m not jealous." Clark said a little forcefully, letting his legs swing down to the floor and his arms in his lap. "I’m not jealous, alright? There's nothing about this that’s jealousy, so don’t say I am." He shifted again, turning, standing restlessly and pacing. "I don’t like Bruce. I don’t like knowing he has a power over you. I don’t like him at all."

 

"I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to upset you."  Lex cursed silently to himself for saying the wrong thing again.  "I didn't mean to imply anything."  He folded his hands in his lap.  "Bruce doesn't have power over me, Clark."

 

And deep down, the truth of it was was that he was desperately, painfully jealous, furiously so, and he hated Bruce Wayne, hated him for making him feel this tall, for making him feel like a child, for telling him he had temper tantrums, for everything. "You didn’t upset me. I was already upset."

 

"I'm still sorry for it."  Lex put his hand on Clark's shoulder.  "Whatever it is, let me help.  Talk to me."

 

"I need....I need to..." God, he didn’t even know, but he was furious, and he stalked the loft from side to side, jeans dragging on the wood as he padded silently in his socks. His palm went back to the back of his neck, hand on his hip, as he struggled for words for his emotions and state of mind. "I need to...to grow up. Do you understand? I need to be able to dress the way I want, and buy a car, and do what I want and I want to get a job and I want to just..."

 

"You don't have to do that, Clark."  Lex looked at his beautiful, upset, pacing love.  "You don't.  You don't have to change."

 

"I need to, Lex." He turned back to him, pleading in his eyes. "Please, you have to understand. I have to grow up. I’ve been trying, but I need...I need to just be. I’m sick of people looking at me like a dumb kid, because I’m not a dumb kid. I need people to look at me and see someone who they could have a conversation with, and not just think... think how stupid I am."

 

"You're not a dumb kid."  Lex got to his feet and stood up.  "You're not.  You're the farthest thing from it.  Christ, Clark, how could you be dumb when you know so much?"  He took a few steps forward.  "You're one of the smartest people I know.  Who called you stupid?"

 

"I’m a sixteen year old farm boy, Lex. Its not what people call me, its what... what people think when they look at me. Do you understand? I’m sick of being wholesome and sweet, I’m sick of being a kid."

 

Lex sighed.  "I like you just the way you are, Clark.  You're not wholesome and sweet... you're just... you're real.  You're innocent and real in a way that nobody else is."

 

"I’m different." He said it softly, looking at his toes a minute before back up at him, shaking his head. "I’m so alone. I have you, and I have my family, and friends. But I’m alone. Can you understand that? I have me. And I need... I need to make my way, I want to work, I need to stop mooching off all of you and go out and... make my life."

 

"You're not mooching off of anyone!" Lex protested.  "I understand alone, Clark.  I've been alone most of my life.  You don't find that many people who are willing to befriend a bald billionaire's son.  Use him, yes.  Befriend him, no."  He shoved his hands in his pockets.  "I understand alone, Clark, but you're... I can give you anything you want.  All you have to do is tell me."

 

"Baby, you don’t understand." And because his voice cracked and embarrassed them both, he sat back on the couch. "No one will ever have my powers. No one will ever understand my head, or my insides, or how they work. I’ve been lucky till now, but I might have something grow inside me and kill me tomorrow. I don’t know anything about myself. I’m running in the dark, and I’m trying to keep my eyes open, and you... you're beautiful, and you help, because I can share the burden with you. But this... whatever it is, whatever I am, I need to take it, and use it, and work and be someone."

 

Lex sat back down too, sitting close to his love.  "Let me help you.  Your molting got in the way of some of the tests we wanted to do; if you're still willing to do them, we can.  I'll share all my notes with you; I've got hundreds of pages that I've been working on compiling.  We'll figure it out together."  He paused for a breath.  "You said you wanted a costume; I've got designs on my laptop to show you.  You can pick what you want to look like, and we'll make it happen.  Bruce said that the person who designs his costume will design yours; they'll never see your face or know your name, only Bruce's.  But please... You're not alone and you don't have to do this alone."

 

"I need to change." He said it softly, sitting back against the cushions and blankets, and all the energy seemed to have slipped out of him. He lay back and closed his eyes, opening their link back up, a little bit at a time, until it was open and he felt his lover again. He needed that, even if right now... no. "I love you."

 

Lex felt Clark opening to him again, and through the open link let flow love.  all the love that he felt for Clark, he let it flow into the younger man as he slipped his hand out and squeezed it tightly.  "Don't change."

 

Clark wrapped his arms around that emotion and squeezed as tightly as he could, as tightly as he squeezed Lex's fingers. "I’m going to. It'll be better, if you support me. Trust me, Lex. Support that I need to do this."

 

Lex nodded.  "Of course I will.  I trust you; more than I trust anyone else, including myself.  I will support you; I will stand with you."

 

He turned to look at him. "I trust you. I trust in what you are, what you're capable of. I trust you with everything I am. And I am so, so sorry for making you doubt that. I’m sorry for making you so sad, and for making you cry, and I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t come to me. I’m so sorry for hurting you."

 

"Don't," Lex said softly.  "Don't apologize to me.  You had a right.  You had a right to do everything that you did.  It's my fault that I got my feelings hurt over it, Clark... you were right.  I should have trusted you and I didn't.  Instead, I left you standing alone and I went to crawl inside of a bottle.  And I am sorry."

 

He closed his eyes and pulled his lover close to him, heart throbbing, fluttering in his collar bone, and he pressed his lovers palm to it, so he could feel it behind its cage of bone. "I want you to study me. I want to know what’s in my insides… I want to know the limits of what I can't do. I need to know, Lex."

 

Lex nodded.  "We will.  And I promise you... I won't turn into an obsessive nerd like I did with your skin.  I won't hurt you like that again.  And... I will trust myself."

 

"You didn’t hurt me." Clark whispered. "I was just being a melodramatic diva. It goes with the territory of having your skin hanging off your body like fluttery gauze." And he gave a full body shudder, before curling up with his lover...a little more, more comfortable, fingers closing around his as he lay his head on Lex's shoulder. "I adore you."

 

Lex clasped him tightly, stroking his back through the shudder, sending comfort and love through their link.  "I adore you, Clark... you are my world."  He squeezed Clark's fingers tightly, the lump in his throat finally dissolving into quiet tears that slipped down his cheeks.  "I love you so much."

 

He didn’t feel anything until wetness hit his temple… his cheek, and Clark looked up in time to see another soft, crystal tear fall down his lovers cheek. And it was so foreign there, so strange, and he watched it roll down his lovers cheek.

 

It broke his heart.

 

He reached forward and grabbed his lover hard, tugging him into his embrace, as fiercely and tight as he could, hugging him and gathering him in his arms, tightly in his arms. Every single instinct screamed at him to comfort his lover, to take care of him, and he kissed his face, each cheek, kissing away the tears. Each eye, his lips coming back salty, and he hugged him as fiercely as he could, as his own heart broke into shards. "I love you, I love you, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, my aushna', my reshkuma, I adore you beyond reasoning, I love you, I am so sorry, so sorry, Oakenepel, I’m so sorry."

 

"No... it's all right, Clark."  Lex held tightly to his lover, surrendering to the safety and warmth he felt in his beloved's arms.  "No, it's good... I didn't... I didn't know if you'd even let me touch you, it just felt so wonderful to hold you again.  Don't be upset, my aushna', please, don't."  Lex tried to reassure Clark as much as he could even as he clung to Clark's stronger, broader frame.

 

Clark simply climbed to his feet, pulling Lex with him and easily lifting him up into his arms. He cradled him in the circle of his embrace, before swiftly, and without falling, slipped them both into the hammock. Once positive they wouldn’t flip onto the floor he lifted the leg that had been supporting them, and let it swing.

 

They were close, chests, legs, hips, arms all tangled, and he pulled him in closer, crushingly to his chest, making sure every single part of his lover was protected. It was instinct, to keep him safe, warm, so no predator, no one, could hurt him, and Clark tucked his lovers head close to his chest so he could stay safe. Instinct, and he had moved without thinking at all, until they were both swinging in the hammock and it was okay. It was safe.

 

Lex had wept because of him. And in it was every apology he could think, because Lex... Lex never cried because of something he'd done. And he realized how deeply he'd struck.

 

Lex curled up against his lover, arms tight around Clark as he felt the tight, protective cocoon washing over him.  His head rested on Clark's shoulder, face pressing comfortably tight into Clark's neck as his hands gripped firmly around his beloved.  "I love you, Kal-El... please don't worry.  You'll never lose me; I'll never leave you."  He snuggled in close, feeling the warmth, blinking out the tears that slowly filled the corners of his eyes.  "I love you."

 

"Love you." Clark whispered softly, closing his eyes as well as he kept his lover protected and safe. "Still mad at you. But love you."

 

Lex nodded against Clark's throat.  "I know.  I know, on both counts.  I wish you weren't mad at me; what can I do?"  Lex swallowed hard, and found himself singing under his breath before he could help himself.  "What do I have to do, to make you love me, what do I have to do to make you understand?  What do I have to do to make you want me, and if I can't make you want me, just tell me, what do I have to do?"

 

Oh, man. Clark buried his little smile into Lex's neck, holding him closer to him so he could slip his leg through Lex's, his bottom one underneath his lovers bottom one, and he snuggled him closer as they swung lazily, quietly, softly. "There isn’t anything you can do. I just have to get over it. You promised no more... I’m going to show you. Show you what I can, okay?"

 

"Okay."  Lex nuzzled close.  "I'm ready... show me what you can." 

 

"I love you, Lex." He said it softly, bringing his palm to the center of his lovers back and pressing him close. "I love you, so much. Don’t be scared of me."

 

"I'm not scared of you."  Lex looked up, resting his chin on Clark's shoulder so he could see his lover's face.  "I'm not scared of you at all.  I'm scared of what you might show me, because I may not understand it, but I'm not scared of you."

 

"I’m scared of you."

 

"Don't be.  I won't hurt you.  I promise.  I don't want to scare you."  Lex still looked at his love.  "There's nothing to be scared of."

 

"Yes, there is." He said softly, and repeated something he'd said many, many months before, stroking his lovers face all the while. "I’m scared of what you make me feel. Happy and sad and wonderful and angry and jealous and loved, all at the same time. I’m scared of the man I could be with your love. I’m scared of change. I’m scared of how much I want you, and how losing you is the worst fate I could ever imagine."

 

Lex's grip tightened.  "Then don't change, not if you're afraid.  Or change and lean on me and I'll protect you and help you through it."  He laid his cheek back down on Clark's shoulder.  "I like the man you could be; you could be the world's superhero.  You and your gifts, me behind you... the President and the Superhero."  He stroked Clark's chest with his hand, and then tucked it under his cheek.  "The worst fate... yes.  Would be losing you, and having to try to exist without you.  Because... I couldn't."

 

"Help me find out the limits, aushna'. Help me see how far I can go... please?" Clark asked very softly, and because soft, pouty lips begged for it, he reached in and kissed them, gently. He was trembling with it, shaking, not knowing if he'd be accepted after everything, and he kissed him softly. "Whenever I’m with you... I’m so happy. Whenever you're with me… I can feel how happy you are."

 

Lex opened his mouth easily, accepting the kiss, offering his own in return, holding Clark down against him.  "Yes... you know I will."  He stroked his lover's hair again, strands sliding through his fingers.  "I will help you find the limits."  He rubbed the hair between his fingers, petting the soft locks.  "You are my happiness, Kal-El.  You are, none other, and no one makes me feel as happy as you do."

 

Relief swamped through him, and the edgy flutters of panic around his heart died down around a cushioned love he felt through every touch of his lovers skin, and he gently touched him, his hands... studying them. Each digit, connected perfectly to bony knuckles and long, wide, perfect palms. Like an artists hands, and he traced each indention, each line, with love and care. Up, up his covered arm to the first peak of his neck from under his sweater.

 

The indent was so perfect to study, to feel the different softness or roughness in different parts...then up, up the hairless skin to trace the beat fluttering lightly in Lex's tender jaw line. "No matter where I stray, or which path I take..." He gazed into his lovers eyes. "You watch over me. You're my guardian angel."

 

Lex shook his head.  "You're the one who saved my life, remember?" he said softly.  "That makes you the angel... that means my life belongs to you."  He sighed softly as his hands and throat were examined and touched, arching very very gently into the sweet touches as tension started flowing out of him.  His cheeks were still slightly stiff with drying tears and he rubbed them dry as he looked down at his love.  "You're my light."

 

"Your skin is so perfect. How can it be so perfect?" He whispered, stroking underneath Lex's baby smooth jaw...then up, up over slender cheek bones and a beautiful, soft, eye shaped like glass. His fingertip came away streaked with left over makeup, and he smiled a little. "I didn’t get to tell you thank you, for taking me out."

 

"It wasn't exactly an experience to thank me for," Lex said dryly.  "But you're welcome.  I'm just so, so sorry at how it ended; that wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

 

"I felt beautiful." He said it softly, smiling at Lex's impervious face even as he brought his fingertips over it, middle finger catching on that soft, full bottom lip and stroking it down as well.

 

Lex kissed the fingertips that stroked his lips.  "You are beautiful.  You don't have to put on a skirt and make-up to get that.  You're beautiful now."

 

"You're so gorgeous." He murmured, and his lips traced where his fingers had just explored, that jaw, lovely and warm, his cheek bone. Clark brushed his mouth over everything, tenderly giving his lover loving.

 

"Not as much as you," Lex murmured softly, making softly contented noises deep in his throat as he responded to Clark's gentle love.  Not quite aroused but more sated, Lex's soul drank in the love, the contentment, the adoration that Clark was offering him.  "I don't know what would become of me if I lost you."

 

"You'd go on." Clark whispered. "You'd be beautiful. There’s nothing you can’t do. Nothing you can't accomplish. You’re going to be so amazing, because you're you. Because you have it in your power to be wonderful, and I believe in you. I believe in everything about you. Trust in me...in us. Trust what we have, no matter what."

 

"I do."  And he did.  He meant it, for once.  "I'm only as strong as your faith in me, Clark... when you say that I can do anything, I truly believe that I can."

 

"You can. You can do anything you want to, because you're Lex. And you're strong." Was Clarks murmured reply, as his fingers stroked ever so tenderly over Lex's face. "You're beautiful, and you're strong. You make mistakes, but I'll be here to help you. I promise."

 

"I'm going to take you up on that promise."  Lex closed his eyes and sighed in relieved pleasure as Clark's fingertips stroked over him.  "I will need your help very much."  He raised his hand to stroke Clark's forearm, fingers teasing his wrist.

 

"Will you love me, even when I’m a stupid kid?"

 

"You're not stupid, Clark," Lex chastised softly.  "But yes.  Even tonight... tonight, when I left the club, I was so heartbroken because I loved you so much and I had disappointed you.  I never stopped loving you."

 

"You didn’t know. I didn’t know. I don’t want to remember this anymore... I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I want... I love you. I want to keep loving you. Can we forget this ever happened, baby? Can we forget?" Clark asked it quietly, softly, his eyes watching his lovers as he swallowed, and trembled softly.

 

"Yes.  Yes, we can."  Lex nodded rapidly.  "We can forget it, both of us, because I don't want to remember it either.  I don't want this to have happened; I want us to be happy together.  Please... let's just forget it."

 

"What comes from it, though, we can't forget." Clark whispered softly. "I want to teach you what my parents taught me...I want to change. Those things, we have to remember, we have to grow from them baby."

 

Lex nodded in agreement.  "Yes.  I want to change, too.  I have to change, because we can't keep doing this."  He leaned forward in his cuddle on Clark's chest and pressed kisses to his jaw.  "We can't keep tearing each other apart like this.  I want to change, Clark.  I want to change so this never happens again."

 

"To new beginnings. To new us."

 

And they rocked, quietly, in the hammock, with the white Christmas lights shining down on them.

 

 

-fin-

 

go to the next part